Would you like me to continue with the marriage?
I am 36F.. I have suffered from TB in my teenage years(15- first diagnosed), and when I was fully recovered, I was 21, didn't really have much hope for a life when I came out of it, as I was depres**d (not a random word for me, the happiness was suck out of me at that time)during my second treatment.
When I was recovering under the treatment, some happiness came into my life as I met a guy, fell in love with him, the respect, attraction, and passion were always mutual, told him everything about me after maybe 2-3 months of the relationship, he was supportive and kind towards me, embraced and accepted me, but he was also definitely naive and didn't think much about the disease that I had, please note that during this time I expressed my fear of my disease could be a problem in family planning but never tested or talk with Gynac to more know about it. Kind of a fear, which I was running away from. I regret that every day, I wish I had had guidance from my parents on this.
Long story short, we were in a 9-year relationship before getting married, talked about family planning at many occasions, also had serious talks, at that time his approach was lenient and words were supportive, now married for 7 years, and struggling with infertility for the last 4, and the roots of it are related to the disease I had in the past.
I have had one ectopic pregnancy, as I was fearful, the nightmare had to come true. Post that we decided to go with IUI/IVF, and now, after 1 IUI and 3IVF cycles failures (with 4ETs), seriously giving thoughts whether or not to waste any further time. My life has been completely at a halt for the last 4 years (left job to support husband overseas, 10-year career is completely on hold), can't focus much on life while being in these processes, have lost the feeling of cherishing life. I am constantly under guilt because of all these life events, I find happiness in being alive just as simply, because I know what dying means in the literal sense of the human body dying.
Constant arguments, fights, blame games, and family being cursed, just like other couples, but we still respect and love each other. But, I can't ignore the fact that he has become bitter in the last couple of years, as he constantly pinpoints that I need to change and improve in life, but I don't really want to call myself a failure(because I will figure something out at the end). I was not killing it, but yes, I was successful in my career, so I know who I am, and not taking his words for a value.
I have decided not to do any IVFs further, and he is not okay to conceive naturally. And I think he deserves a family, he had lost his parents at a very young age, so I am definitely sad(can't really express in words) for him, that I am robbing him of the chance of having a family, but I can't go on with these treatments.
Thanks for reading, and I would really like to have a reality check here. I know, it's not a healthy relationship, but the idea of living him alone behind, and moving out, separating from him is killing me. Can't decide which part is worse, the current part where I am in this situation, or the future of dealing with life without him( where I know I will always be worried about his well-being).