I, 18F, broke up with my ex, 18M, and I'm really regretting my decision. I would like to know if it was a good decision or not.
My ex and I broke up on good? terms. It was a mutual break-up and we still talk to one another. Although I'm starting to doubt whether he wasn't to continue talking with me or not. He was my first boyfriend as well and has basically all of my firsts.
For some context, before I met him, I was mistreated by my step-dad for five and a half years. This led to insecurity, overthinking tendencies, worse anxiety, and issues regarding self-doubt and self-hatred. There was about a year and a half gap between these time-frames. I met my ex in my senior year and we dated for nine months. We broke things of on September 1st of this year.
I met his family a handful of times and while I wanted to communicate, I really struggled to connect with his family because I felt very pressured, highly insecure, and very anxious. I'm also the type of person to not think before I act sometimes and I'd developed a habit to gain people's attention (for those on their phones) by tapping on their phones. Sometimes I hit it too hard and the phone falls. I don't generally mean to do this, but I realize it's not a good habit to have.
But because of my lack of attempts to make conversation with his family and the time they saw me accidentally hit his phone out of his hand, his family disliked me. Which caused him stress because his family's opinions are very important to him.
I love my ex, a lot and over time it was a present thought in my mind somewhere that is as holding him back. 'Drowning him with me' essentially. At that time, I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean, drowning. I felt stuck. Over the summer, the feeling intensified. My dad was beginning to also pressure me into adulthood faster and everything felt like too much for me.
So I told my ex how I felt and what happened. I also told him that I didn't want to let him go but also I wanted to force him away from me and be selfish because I couldn't bear to cause him pain or stress. I didn't want him to suffocate with me. Neither of us wanted to leave the relationship, but we broke it off anyways.
Was this a good decision?
I also suppose I have another question I want to ask. We've been staying in contact since breaking up because he didn't want to stop talking to me, nor did I. But now it feels confusing. Some days he feels distant. Others he doesn't. But it's making me anxious and I'm uneasy over it. I'm confused as well. I'm beginning to overthink it.
I know I should probably talk to him, but I feel unsafe to talk to him about it, because, 1, I don't want to stress him out- he is in college now- and 2, I don't feel I have the right to talk to him about it. I just need some advice on what to do.