My husband and I have been struggling with our sex life… well pretty much since we’ve gotten married (about a year and a half ago, been together for 4 years).
Before we got married, we were banging three or so times a week. Sometimes multiple times in those days. When we went on our honeymoon, we had sex every day. The we get back from our honeymoon and it’s like sex changed and desire went out the window.
We’d be in bed and we’d be kissing and touching and I’d feel him get hard. He’d finger me and I’d start giving him a handjob but then I’d suddenly feel him go soft. I’d try to get it back but I could tell that he wasn’t into it. So I’d eventually stop and then he’d be like “What’s up? Are you okay?” And I’d be like “Are YOU?”. He’d always apologize and then have a reason why he isn’t into it tonight.
At first, he was studying for a certification for his job and it was stressful on him. I offered to assist him through those days but he didn’t want to relate stress with our intimacy.
Okay, he passed, all is well. Except the the sex life was still sparse. Maybe twice a month. So I bring it up and ask if there was something going on. This time he tells me he is doubting his ability to perform…. Based on 6 months before our wedding where I was on a medication that made my joints hurt badly so I could never find a comfortable way to have sex. We did have sex every so often while I was on the meds but it would require me to take a Tylenol each time. He said he feels insecure since he didn’t know how to touch me during that time and it’s in his head now. I kind of didn’t buy it because I use a period tracker and keep track of whenever we have sex and again, we were having sex two or three times a week like normal once I was off the medication.
At this point, I asked what we can do because my drive is high. Sure, I could just get myself off and call it a day, but I want him. I want my husband. I love him and I’m crazy about him. Why wouldn’t I want to jump his bones? He tells me that he doesn’t want the pressure to perform and if it’s okay if PIV isn’t the only goal of the experience. I say sure and I’m trying to appreciate what I’m getting. I’m still mastrubating more often than we have sex… or anything really.
Then we moved apartments and the commute is longer so we wake up for work earlier. I eventually asked him if he was happy with the way things are going in our sex life. He said no, but most of the time, he’s just tired. I tell him that I understand and I’m not trying to push him, but I have needs that aren’t being met. Making out is nice when it happens, but… it’s just not satisfying 100% of the time. So I suggest we schedule sex. He said that’s a great idea. We pick a day and I get excited.
I’d get my outfits out together, set some mood lighting, do my makeup, put on perfume and think about what we’re gonna do… but that was over a month ago and we still have yet to actually have sex because he always says he’s “dead tired” from work or we’ll start and he’ll go soft and apologize and say he is too much in his head about pleasing me. I told his this weekend that I wanted to change the date because he always seems tired on that day and he agreed.
Like wtf do I do? If he’s not tired, he’s stressed. If he’s not stressed, he’s too much in his head. He says he’s constantly tired but he’ll stay up and play his video games till late. But even on days he isn’t tired like on his days off, he says he feels pressure to perform. I’ve been trying so hard to just let him take 100% of the lead cuz what if he gets insecure about me taking the lead? I’ve suggested couples therapy to talk about it but it’s hard because his job is a bit more demanding of his time. I don’t try to push him to do anything on days he’s tired. If he’s stressed, he usually needs alone time to unwind.
But where does that leave me? Like kisses and pussy rubs are nice and all… but it’s been over a month since we’ve tried anything. Sometimes I just want SEX! I want to FUCK! It makes me tear up thinking that the best is behind us and this is the new norm. I’m getting tired of taking care of my needs myself. Like it literally makes me cry sometimes. I feel like a pervert for wanting more than what he’s giving me. I feel selfish. I sometimes don’t feel once a month isnt even close to enough. I’ve told him all this and he swears it’s not me and that he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. He also swears he isn’t watching porn. I’d like to believe him… but I kind of don’t. I just feel frustrated and clueless on what to do..