I am a prior anxious attachment who’s been doing the work, and after a lot of therapy, a lot of brutal honesty with myself and self awareness have worked towards moving into mostly being secure attachment style. my partner and I were together for going on 9 years. we met in our early 20’s and looking back now I can see he’s always been dismissive avoidant but I didn’t know anything about this stuff yet, and seeing as how we were still young it never really affected our relationship that much until we got older, shit got real and we found ourselves dealing with very adult problems and arguments. I always just thought he was just a simple guy who doesn’t get that deep and I accepted him for it.
But after years of his dismissive avoidance, running off and disappearing for days after an argument, going completely silent on me where I would spiral, send insanely long paragraphs to his phone, thinking if I could just say the right thing he would understand and “get it.” which would only push him further away. Years of hardly ever getting any compliments, no thoughtful gifts or gestures unless I would ask for them, and my bids for connection/romance were met with awkward coldness or pushed away, anytime asking him for more romance or more bids for connection were met with hostility and “go find better if i’m not enough for you then”, I understand that it’s not his fault. that connection makes him feel vulnerable and not in control. But the thing is, we’ve been playing this push pull game for so long it’s broken me down to the point I don’t think I can do it anymore. We’ve had soo many arguments where I begged and pleaded him to realize what was happening to the relationship. that I NEED emotional closeness to feel connected, and that every time he runs away when there’s a problem it breaks my trust for him. I begged him to go to therapy.
Well, I finally reached my breaking point and officially made the decision to leave. I packed my things, my two cats, and he said goodbye to us like it was just any old tuesday. when I tell you, no sadness, no emotion what so ever. he wished us well and that was it. I was devastated, leaving him was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. it literally took any and every ounce of strength to come to the realization that sometimes love is just not enough if both people cannot or are not willing to work on themselves. I also realized how many other things his avoidance bled out on into the relationship. Never planning dates, never complimenting me, absolutely no words of affection other than “I love you, have a great day” type stuff. Inability to make decisions, also him running back to past flings for attention when things would get rough between us (because he knew they would give him attention and he claims he couldn’t be alone).
After a brutal week of grieving the loss of him and my relationship, being back home with my family and finally starting to come to peace with my decision and hopeful for the future, he reaches out. telling me how much he misses me, how he sees the repercussions of how he’s been this whole time. How all of our memories started playing in his head. That he’s been researching dismissive avoidant attachment style, and how he plans to work on it etc.
I’m happy for him because whether we work out or not, I can totally empathize that even dismissive avoidant ppl are suffering even when it seems like the anxious one takes all the suffering. And if he truly works on it, it will likely be better for him and his potential future partner. However, it took A LOT to get me to the point of being ready to leave. I knew I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this. I need emotional closeness and intimacy to feel close to my partner and I don’t think he’s capable of the level that I need. But how do you walk away from someone you love that is finally ready to face themselves? Would I be wrong for not giving him another chance? I just cannot go back to being in an endless loop of chasing closeness with him. in the end it feels like i’m spending more time wishing he was different or trying to change him and that’s not fair to him either.