Yes I know how I may be coming across right now. To give more context, we had been experiencing a pretty horrible rough patch after we had our second child just over a year ago.
Having a second baby while our first was still relatively young was always important to my ex, admittedly I had pushed back a little longer then expected – not because I didn’t want this too, but because I wanted to make sure we were in a secure enough position to support us having a good life. I eventually landed on the conclusion that there would never be the perfect time and completely let go and fell pregnant not long after right at the height of my career. After my paid parental leave was up this meant my partner for the first time in 13 years was now solely supporting me.
As someone who from a very young age had to fight to make a career and home for myself out of literally nothing, having to be taken care of by someone else left me feeling extremely vulnerable. For some reason I couldn’t get it out of my head that I was being a burden. This lead me to constant approval seeking behaviours, and eventual self abandonment and shrinking myself down to nothing because for some reason I just feel like a burden and would over extend, over give, never ask, always say yes to ‘make up’ for having to support me.
It meant that even though all I wanted was to enjoy our new baby together, as soon as my ex’s parental leave was up he decided to join a gym and go everyday for two hours, or take himself out to coffee, or go for a nap at the beach. He would finish at 11-12 most days, sometimes earlier, and there was always, always something he needed to do / get before eventually coming home just before I have to start the evening routine. Despite always talking about how lucky he is that he gets to finish early and spend all the daylight hours with his baby while she’s so young and how we will go on lots of walks, beach days ect – I realised after 4 months that not once did he ever sacrifice his time to himself to spend time as a family, let alone for me to be able to go to the gym, a walk or spend an hour to myself every now and then. I was so focused on supporting his mental and physical health that mine ended up being completely neglected.
I eventually started to feel like he was avoiding coming home, and I asked if once everyone and then we could do something together and was met with anger and defensiveness. He did eventually apologise as he was feeling protective of his gym progression in particular and agreed to make time once a week or so. Then another two months passed and no changes. I eventually started to feel insecure and needing reassurance which i used violating his privacy and going through his phone all the time. It only lead me to see that it was a sea of content seeking out of sexual content of other women through instagram, reddit, and onlyfans. I would question him (really just wanting reassurance that it was nothing to worry about), he would become explosive and cruel, telling me to get a hobby, to go back to work, that I don’t do enough around the house and that he’s done supporting my ‘ass’- bare in mind i never asked for so much as a coffee – ME, who never had to rely on anyone for anything, who unconditionally supported him during career pivots, who was the higher income earner before having HIS baby would be reduced to nothing but an insecure little burden.
I can’t tell you how much this wore me down. The cycle of contradictions, being isolated, fighting, being put down, being desperate for his reassurance/approval, sweeping it all under the rug so we can make up and go back to normal.
I started to find myself using more sex and opening up to all his fantasy’s as a way to try and feel connected and have my emotional needs met.
Eventually a year of the same cycle continued, and i started to develop high functioning post natal depression and completely lost my sense of self. I got to leave the house only handful of times which by the time it happened I had to force myself as I just didn’t want to be seen, or out of what became to feel like my ‘safe bubble’ at home away from anything. By the time my leave was over, the emotional damage was already so bad that about 2 months back finding my feet again, all it took was a sarcastic response (as a first) to his belittling of me for him to call it quits and he decided to up and leave me to live back at home. After fighting to keep my walls down despite everything this absolutely broke me.
Ever since I’ve been the sole parent at home day in, day out juggling work and children while he picks the kids up for a play date a few days a week until I finish work after his finished with his own activities, then I just carry on with the evening routine while he goes back to his parents. Showing up no matter how much pain I’m in, while he’s free to just live out his days the way he wants with no responsibilities felt like a kick in the gut.
Now fast forward and after some space he wants us to try again, but then after sex (yes I know) it changed to him continuing to live at his parents as while I maintain the load at home with the children so because he needs to find himself again and so we have more time to work on ourselves individually.
At first I was so wrapped up in every word he was saying and don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree that we need to work on our self’s as individuals before beginning anything. But where is the time for me to have even a little fighting chance to get back to myself? All I do is work and by the time I’m finished I’m straight back into being a mother to two young children. How can I possibly re-discover myself and prioritise my mental health when all I am is a mother? I just can’t help but feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too but maybe I’m being selfish. I don’t know how to approach this without sounding bitter because once again it feels like I am being shown that i don’t matter and that I just have to try and shape myself to be better for him without being given the same fighting chance.
Fuck I’m sorry for the long ass read.