Wondering if anyone has some feedback. My husband and I have been together for 15+ years, married for 10. We have three beautiful children and have a wonderful life on paper. We are, for the first time ever, in a decent financial place, our kids are excelling and bigger now so we're no longer drowning in diapers and bottles. We bought our first house two years ago and it would appear we "have it all".
However, for years now (8+), my husband and I have had and experienced a tremendous amount of rough waters. From him failing to equally carry the mental and physical load, to losing jobs and changing careers due to his inability to keep a job/taking financial advantage of me time & time again, to manipulating me, taking advantage of me overall, taking me for granted and even dismissing me/hazing me in front of friends and family, not even acknowlegding mothers day, the holidays, the list goes on. He's never been physically abusive, we don't fight and we're not a combative couple. For years, I had tried to address his behavior and he'd change for a short period of time and then go back to old ways.
Two years ago, during his latest termination from yet another job, I told him we needed to seperate unless he got a job and I failed to keep that boundary. The idea of splitting my children's lives apart felt so selfish and because I've compartmentalized everything, I figure I could continue to live with the unhappiness if my family remained nuclear and we continued with the motions.
Fast forward to now, I've spent the last two years focusing 100% on myself and my children. I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm seeing a therapist and reparing my mental health from feeling so broken and lonely, I have a new found glow, have hobbies and am thriving. Because of this, my husband has had an "awakening" so to speak and wants to earn me back and get us back to where we started before the marriage turned south.
The issue I'm facing is deep, DEEP resentment. Why now? Why are you suddenly scared of the thought of losing me when I've stood by all of it for all this time? We've had some really thoughtful conversations with him admitting his great faults, acknowledging his failure to be a good husband and even admitted two nights ago that our marriage has not been even "good" at the baseline. I figured, this is my life now. I've made my bed and I must lie in it. Vows and promises were made and despite his failure, I am still committed. Albeit, I'm not happy, my kids are and that's all that matters.
My question to this group is, based on his new found behavior and eagerness to repair years of damage, how can I know if this is true change? History tends to repeat itself (I've told him this) and I'm not even optimistic. My stance is very "I guess, we'll see… time will tell" but he insists this time is different.
Have you been through this before? Am I delusional?
Sorry for the rant. Just looking for a safe space to share my current circumstance…