Hi all. Been seeing a guy for a month now and he and I get on really well. Match each other really well personality-wise.
However, we had a conversation about sexual history recently. I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years prior to this, and so have a lot of experience. I have also tried alot of things like anal, public sex, and a threesome. He has not got alot of sexual history, and so has had more vanilla sex which is fine. I have absolutely no judgement because how is someone meant to learn what they like if they have not any opportunity to try it.
He kept asking me questions about my sexual experience, and so I told him honestly. We have been with the same amount of people each (5) but I have had a long-term partner and he hasn't so our experiences are different.
He asked for a bit of detail and I answered his questions. I did try to change the topic because I felt a bit offput but he kept on asking even when I said I would talk about it later.
It made me a bit upset because he kept implying I was a slut or used or a different sex-negative word. I told him that I was feeling like he was being negative about my experiences and he said he would never think I was a whore because we have "been with the same amount of people" but he did not know what to call this, where we have the same body count but I have alot of experience.
He has made it clear he feels uncomfortable about it, but honestly I tried changing the topic and I did not want to lie. After I brought up my concern about feeling like a whore, he said that he never tried to imply that, and that it says how I feel about it. I feel comfortable in my sexual history, and I would not have shared it if I did not feel comfortable with him, but for the record he did pressure me into sharing it.
I feel very judged and I don't know how to move past this. How do I get over this judgement of my past sexual history by my new partner? I feel like I don't even want to have sex with him anymore.
27 comments
Hi there /u/cowtails06
To keep nefarious behaviour at bay, we are saving the contents of your post here
so that it can always be retrieved by the moderator team after a post has been
edited or deleted by the posting user.
Post title: My (22F) new boyfriend (22M) is uncomfortable with my past sexual history. How do we move past this?
***
Hi all. Been seeing a guy for a month now and he and I get on really well. Match each other really well personality-wise.
However, we had a conversation about sexual history recently. I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years prior to this, and so have a lot of experience. I have also tried alot of things like anal, public sex, and a threesome. He has not got alot of sexual history, and so has had more vanilla sex which is fine. I have absolutely no judgement because how is someone meant to learn what they like if they have not any opportunity to try it.
He kept asking me questions about my sexual experience, and so I told him honestly. We have been with the same amount of people each (5) but I have had a long-term partner and he hasn’t so our experiences are different.
He asked for a bit of detail and I answered his questions. I did try to change the topic because I felt a bit offput but he kept on asking even when I said I would talk about it later.
It made me a bit upset because he kept implying I was a slut or used or a different sex-negative word. I told him that I was feeling like he was being negative about my experiences and he said he would never think I was a whore because we have “been with the same amount of people” but he did not know what to call this, where we have the same body count but I have alot of experience.
He has made it clear he feels uncomfortable about it, but honestly I tried changing the topic and I did not want to lie. After I brought up my concern about feeling like a whore, he said that he never tried to imply that, and that it says how I feel about it. I feel comfortable in my sexual history, and I would not have shared it if I did not feel comfortable with him, but for the record he did pressure me into sharing it.
I feel very judged and I don’t know how to move past this. How do I get over this judgement of my past sexual history by my new partner? I feel like I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore.
***
*AutoSaver v1.0*
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are being judged and he is being exceptionally insecure. How you follow up is up to you, but you didn’t do anything wrong in your past, that’s for sure.
This guy is an insecure moron, run.
He asked for honesty, then punished you for giving it that’s not fair. Your past isn’t something you need to defend, and it’s not your job to manage his insecurity. If he can’t respect your openness or handle your experience maturely, that’s his issue to work on, not yours. You deserve someone who values your honesty instead of judging it.
Yea just break up with him. What you did before as none of his business in the first place but the fact that he tried to shame you makes it not worth tryna salvage anything with him
Red flag territory there. He needs to work on himself. He’s not ready for a sex positive relationship yet.
Get a more mature boyfriend.
How do you get past his insecurities? You don’t, he does.
If he’s saying or implying you’re a slut or a whore, you dump his abusive arse. I don’t care how many people you’ve slept with, that is not on.
Does he feel uncomfortable that you made these experiences or does he feel uncomfortable that he didn’t and feels inferior to you/insecure because of it.
If it’s the first, there’s no use trying, you won’t get that out of him…
If it’s the second and he is also just an idiot with words, it’s your choice if you want to give him a chance to claw himself out of this… and well, most likely you will also have to invest some energy to get that insecurity out of him…
But I don’t think any reasonable person would judge you for not wanting to invest that energy…
You move past this by moving past him. He’s a toxic, controlling, misogynistic person, and very unlikely to ever be a positive factor in your life.
The only way for you to move past it is to move past him. You can’t control how he feels about things. You need to sit with him and tell him that you feel judged and simply don’t like the way this has progressed. He needs to get past this faster or you’re gone. Not that it matters, but your body count being the same makes you specifically not a slut compared to him. You were sexually adventurous inside a committed relationship, which is absolutely not a bad thing. If he can’t recognize that you’re actually a prize, that’s a really dumb for him. Tell him he can go find his future starfish somewhere else.
I can understand the guy partially… I mean having the past is completely normal and you trying stuff is completely normal where I would draw the line is if I knew my current partner had a threesome or something like gangbang that is for me a complete red flag and not acceptable so I can partially understand your current boyfriend, however he might overreact a bit if you both got tested clean and you’re happy together then I would simply say and react in the following…
I don’t have a lot of experience, but I would love to try everything you had done in the past with you to see if I like it to see if you want to have it in our romantic/sexual life and I am here to support you whatever I want you as my woman I want us to be in a monogamous relationship… and I will not judge your past thank you to have told me everything….
But then again, every boy is different and yeah, if you see that he keeps doing that he keeps pushing for answers. Maybe you need to have a talk that it starts to be uncomfortable for you and if it doesn’t work then I’m sorry to say, but you need to break up. …
His experiences are vanilla because he is vanilla. This is such a common thing, one partner is vanilla, the other is open to trying different things, and the vanilla partner essentially slut shames them in jealousy. He’s reacting like this because he’s jealous and insecure, he knows he’s not into any of it, and his ego is too fragile to admit it, so his only option left is to shame you for having done it in the first place.
As a 41 year-old guy, you have found yourself a man child if he can’t handle those kind of things after asking about them run
The past is gone n your bf still needs time to grow up dont waste your time all the xp you’re gained has made you the person he match with when he met you n you shouldn’t feel ashamed by someone your gonna be
He’s insecure but also there’s absolutely nothing good that ever comes out of detailing your sexual history to a newer partner. EVER. Unless he’s one of the rare people who gets turned on by the stories. He hasn’t done as much so it makes him even more insecure than he already is. Nothing you personally can do to fix it, it’s a him problem. You should focus on finding yourself a guy who would respond with excitement about the things you could show him, nothing less. Insecure men don’t end up in healthy relationships until they deal with the insecurities.
Give him a chance to drop it and move past the conversation, if you both can. If he starts weaponizing it, tell him to get the fuck out of your life immediately. Don’t waste your time being insulted by an insecure boy.
Wow, this is a new one. Judging a person for being in a long-term relationship. Normally people judge others for having casual sex, not having committed sex. I don’t understand your boyfriend’s logic at all.
I sadly don’t have advice on how to fix this problem – but this is very much a him problem, not a you problem. His feelings are not healthy or normal. It might be something for him to talk out in therapy.
You don’t get over his “judgement”. Do you want to date an insecure misogynist?
Unfortunately you’re going to come across a lot of people like these in life. The sooner you find out their views the sooner you can dump them and move on to better.
Tell him to grow up! Everyone has a past.
He’s too insecure at this point, there is really nothing you can do. I hear this argument both ways and it never makes sense to me. Guys want a low “body count” number but heaven forbid you have a long relationship and experience a lot then well that’s no good either.
Sorry to say, if he has a problem with it and can’t accept you for you then he’s not the right one long term.
You keep moving this guy sucks
The only way to get rid of a man insecurities is to get rid of the man
This is super simple. You ask him to grow up and get over it or you find yourself a new boyfriend.
You ask him to grow up already. And if not, don’t stick around with an immature child.
You move past it with a different partner.
He’s starting with abusive behavior this fast? Get out if that relationship while you can
It’s been a month. Cut your losses. Seriously. This guy is so insecure and judgemental he will always keep this in his head and bring it up whenever he gets insecure again.
Your can do better.
To me it’s unforgivable to imply you were a slut as you said he implied you were or some other negative wording. That’s just not right at all to have experienced sex and be called something like that.
He could count his lucky stars that you’re open to variety and have experience but no, he chooses the way of the insecure, negative shaming judgemental clown.
Get rid of him.