Married 20-ish years. We’re going through a really tough time. We don’t do much together anymore, not a lot of love shared, sex maybe once a year (but this wasn’t super uncommon our whom marriage). I’m couples counseling right now. They’re asking us silly questions like if we know our partners, their pasts, their likes, etc. It’s not helping bringing us together.
I’ve been one foot out because I don’t know how to make myself desire her. My therapist asked me if I had ever felt passionate about her before and I said the first few months but when the jealousy started, I must have felt less safe. My wife was jealous of any woman I talked to, the fact that I had last girlfriends, etc. And I slowly just lost friendships, nerve felt comfortable to really do things I wanted. Her life really revolves around me. It felt like I was a cheater and I had never cheated. But if I ever felt a crush on someone or had attraction to someone else, I felt like she must be right.
I’ve gone out and made friends the past few years. I was depressed and so I tried to do the things they tell you to… exercise, don’t isolate, eat well. So I do all of that. But we’re still not doing better and I don’t know what else to do. My feeling has always been to work through things and communication. It’s felt like if I just had desire for her, all would be fixed.
I don’t known if my life would be better if I left. I’d lose my house, our dog, the only family I’ve ever had between us. But I also don’t know how to overcome feeling trapped and that when I want to open my wings and do more things like having a trip by myself to see my sister, she gets extremely emotional and it’s turned back on why don’t we go anywhere or do anything together. But I’m close to 50 and would love to just have a fun weekend with her without feeling guilty or that I have to make it up to her somehow.
When I type it, it doesn’t sound good. Our couples counselor seems to put it on me to figure out things for us to do but that’s been me the last 20+ years. And now that I’m thriving with a social life/hobbies and desiring to do things I always wanted that she never did so I couldn’t (camping, swimming at the river, etc.) she feels disconnected, which we are. I know Reddit is the place where everything is “grass is greener” or “divorce.” But I’m afraid I’ll ruin my life leaving. That no one will ever love me that much. That I’ll ruin both of our lives. I know it’s not true but I’ve seen divorces go extremely bad. My coworker killed himself last year after not being able to recover.