Been wanting to make a post for a VERY long time but so scared of actually confessing this. Have also spoke to my therapist about this to which I didn't really find a solution or any relief. Sorry for the long post, but I really need to get this off my chest and am seeking advice and words of wisdom and comfort. Here goes:
I (early 30s F) am with the love of my life (early 30s M). We've been together for 3 years. I've had 5 sexual partners in the past, all of which were my boyfriends at that time. In terms of matching intellect, EQ, humour, ambition, deep talks, banter, lifestyle choices, views on life etc. we are so well aligned. I'm ready to marry this man.
Here's the blow: the sex is just average. I've felt this from day 1. But he's doing everything right. He's the first guy ever to make me squirt consistently, we always orgasm together to finish (and this happens every time we have sex). Our frequency is something we are both satisfied with. We are open about talking about sex. We explore light kinks e.g. light bondage / domination / dirty talking / light anal play, these are all things I love and vocally express that I do.
I've felt this way for a long time now but because there's no solution I haven't voiced it yet. I can't just tell him "the sex doesn't feel that great" because we'll go into trouble shooting mode and I don't have any solutions.
This is where I start playing mental gymnastics: I know size isn't an issue because when I finger myself/make myself orgasm, I have an incredible time and it feels really, really good. I hate to admit this, but fingering myself feels way better than sex with him. Sure, fingers have better dexterity, but we've had conversations where I'm quite literally coaching him through how to finger me the way I like it and he gets close but doesn't really get it even close.
I look back at my previous partners and for sure my sex has been better. The last ex I had was the best sex I ever had, it was utterly mindblowing every single time. I don't try to compare, but since I know how good it can be, it's really dampening this experience.
I also know I have a part to play. My hormones and libido may potentially be shifting due to my age. When he's about to make me orgasm, I close my eyes and start fantasising about kinky things being done to me (that I used to watch in porn) and that usually gets me over the edge. So the problem also exists because I'm not actually orgasming from him but more of where I take myself mentally that pushes me over. Because he's made me orgasm, he thinks the sex is fantastic and I feel great. This is a double edged sword as this statement is not entirely true, which again is why I haven't brought this whole topic up.
Lastly, during sex, we love to dirty talk. But as part of this, he will say things such as "is this the best cock you've ever had? Is this the best sex you've ever had?" and it feels so weird and untrue to say yes (10/10 times I say it anyway beacuse I'm taking this one to my grave).
We use vibrators, butt plugs, but I'm NOT willing to ask him to use a dildo on me (I think this will just shatter his ego). The sex on paper should be great. He's a generous lover, does al the right things, we focus a lot on foreplay, he always checks if I"m okay if we are entering kinky territory, I'm attracted to him like crazy and everything outside of the bedroom is incredible. The last problem is I also don't get that wet around/with him (maybe this is a me problem? Maybe we need to work on foreplay? who knows). BUT when I finger myself I do get pretty damn wet.
So.. here I am. I've poured my heart out. I plan to have a serious talk with him about how I feel about this. But I'm scared of going into trouble shooting mode together only to be uncertain of what we are trying to solve. I'll be honest, I think our sexual chemistry is slightly incompatible, sometimes his rhythm is off, it doesn't hit where it feels good (size related maybe but my fingers def hit), and most times after I orgasm I really question whether I'm enjoying the sex. I'm really at loss of what to do. Is this something I'll just need to accept? One last important thing to note is I often ask him how satisfied he is / how was that / how our sex is, and he says it's fantastic. He also gives me direct vocal feedback during sex and often tells me how incredible I feel and sometimes needs to switch positions or else he'll orgasm too early. This indicates that my feeling is one sided.
P.S Please be kind and don't tell me my relationship is doomed or to find another guy (I'm firmly grounded in the belief that this man is a unicorn for me). Thank you for reading and being a part of this cathartic release.