We've know each other for 3 years and do a lot together. We're not dating but we are involved. He's kind, caring, and thoughtful. He also has a hot temper and depression he refuses to seek help for. I feel its now starting to hurt our friendship.
His love language is clearly touch as he is very affectionate. I like it. Except after an argument because he goes into affection overdrive to make up for what he said.
He will periodically have a depressive episode so bad he starts bringing up every problem he has with me. It always feels like its coming out of no where because everything has been great and nothing has been brought up for so long. After the storm, he's all apologies and huggy/kissy which makes me feel like he didn't actually mean or think what he said. I'm left confused, especially since this is a pattern at this point.
I have a large fear of confrontation and doing something wrong. If I upset someone I get scared something bad will happen and if it's an intense situation I shut down. It is something I have been working on for a long time. I'm very aware this may be the problem and not him. But when he does this it feels like I am being attacked and the friendship is at risk of being lost. I very much don't want to lose our friendship.
I'm learning better communication skills from therapy because I grew up in a household where nothing was said until emotions just exploded and its a yelling match. No one ever apologized or resolved anything. It was just avoided until forgotten. I may not be up to speed for communications to be effective, but theres a lot of repetition in these conversations and it feels unhealthy. It's the same topics with the same examples which are now starting to feel old/out dated. These examples we've gone over before and they keep coming back up like they weren't discussed/we didn't come to a mutual understanding.
This happened again this past weekend. He stayed the night Saturday. We had a great time while he was there. However, when he left Sunday night he started texting me. Before you jump on him for not talking to me in person, my preferred form of communication is writing. I need time to process things and figure my own stuff out before replying. It's not his style, but he's trying in order for me to understand better (He's CONSTANTLY saying I/everyone always misunderstands him regardless of communication type).
So he starts off by telling me he felt muted. Right before he left, he seemed to have suddenly changed from being happy to withdrawn. I went to kiss him and he turned his head so I ended up kissing his cheek. Noticed it but shruged it off.
A few minutes after he told me he felt muted, he started in on me. There was a lot of back and forth, and this has been the hardest incident so far. I'm still unsure of what to do. We hung out yesterday, and he felt like a completely different person compared to who I had been texting the last couple of days and it made me uncomfortable. He was saying things like "I'm sorry," "I'm only happy when we hang out," "I care about you," "You're my friend." He was asking if he could hug/cuddle/kiss me and I said it was ok to avoid problems. He could tell something was wrong so he kept checking on me and caring for me. I was unsettled the whole time.
I hope I've explained everything enough. I really like him and enjoy his company immensely (when he's not depressed/angry). I dont want to lose my friend, but I also dont want this to keep happening… what can I try to get both those outcomes?
TLDR: He gets depressed, brings up all the issues he has with me, I get really upset/shutdown, we don't really talk for like a day, and then he comes back with apologies and affection like a little puppy dog. Rinse and repeat every so often.