Rant-Want Advice
My sister(31F) just had her first baby Yesterday.
She lives 6 hours away from us. While it’s a trek, I (32F) made loose plans to be able to visit her in the hospital with my SO and 2 DD after the baby was born. Kept things open, no commitments,
Monday, in the morning (sister was not in labor yet) my mother (60F) told me “sister has notified those who are allowed to go to the hospital already”. Which was very upsetting, as I had not talked to sister in a couple of weeks. Deep feelings of rejection and not being an important person in my sisters life, etc. My sister is very much a “friends first” person. We were never close, have gotten closer as we have aged, but not so distant that we couldn’t talk for 45 minutes on the phone if either of us called. I have other deep wounds I am working on. This moment just brought all those repressed feelings up.
My mother tries to console me as a mother does, only FIL and Mom/Dad (grandparents of new baby) are allowed, etc. Tells me that it’s what she wants and we need to abide by that. Tells me I need to grieve the relationship that I had wanted with her and needed to “create my own new family”. My brain understood the logic my mother was saying, but my heart was still broken. So I didn’t put any further effort that evening into making plans.
What got me about the honoring her wishes thing, is that when 1st DD was born, DH (38M) and I wanted to have just the first night on our own. But Mom asked me to let my sister and then fiancé (now husband) see the baby before they left back home. See the new baby before anyone else and change the plan we had. I said yes. I am mad at myself for letting her break that boundary. I need to deal with that and my frustration with myself for that.
But now my mom won’t stand up for me and ask if I can even go and visit at all? My mother is willing to ask me to do something she won’t ask her other daughter.
She has the baby, and in the evening when everyone is home, we do a video chat so DH and DD’s can meet the baby. Sister mentions at least a dozen people who have been to visit her and while it’s been busy, she feels good. I ask about how long she is staying, etc., if she wants a visit. She said she is fine with visitors/me coming but understands if we can’t get there while she is in the hospital because if DD’s schedules. They will probably me discharges from the hospital today, so there is no way to be able to make it down now at this point.
I really upset with my mother right now for lying to me and telling me I cannot go and see my sister for one of the biggest moments of her life. She clearly didn’t have the rules in place that my mother told me she did. Why would she do that?! Why would she lie to me about something so important? What could possibly be the reason for why she acted that way?
And if I try to bring it up, my mom will get defensive, then passive aggressive, and then play the victim. I would like an apology at a minimum, but I know it would never be genuine, and I would be made to feel shame for it.
I thought I had good boundaries with her, but I see now I didn’t. She is, unbenounced to her, on an information diet. There is more I could go into. Small little things over many years, but I think this is what broke the camels back.
TL;DR
Mother told me I couldn’t go see my sisters new baby. I was upset, but understood and was resigned to ask at a later time to come and visit. In talking with my sister and meeting the baby through video chat, I learned my mother lied to me and I was welcome to come down. Why would she lie to me about this? A way to support my sister in such a big moment of her life?