I’m not sure if the title alone is enough for so many questions I have and advice I’m seeking from the community.
I just saw a very relevant post but a vital detail in that post was unrelatable so couldn’t pick on the advice there and the comments are blocked so had to make this fresh post.
Me (29f) and my husband(30m) dated for 3 years and have been married for 3 years now.
We’ve always had problems from the very initial months and the marriage has only been making it worse.
At this point we have been through a lot. Family issues and we don’t talk to each others parents. I celebrate festivals at our home mostly and maybe a day at mums and he spends at his parents, termination of pregnancy, separated for a month and so on.
The most recent one that messed up big time for me is when he called out I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend (only one) before him during a heated conversation. (So much to talk about this alone) but this post isn’t about that. My husband came after my one serious relationship and 6 months into the relationship, I told him about it before anything went beyond kissing and hugging
We haven’t spoken to each other in 4 weeks except for a couple of times for the most basic stuff like keys. He had sent me a text message the day after the fight that he’s sorry he brought up my past and he didn’t know he was still not over it.
He wanted to talk that morning but I wasn’t feeling okay about how he made me feel so shitty so I didn’t reciprocate.
We haven’t spoken or even touched each other in a month now. I really really miss the feeling of being in his arms and feeling his breath on my skin. I don’t want to sex with him coz him treating me like my worth is shit only cuz I had intimate relationship before him was just so disgusting and disrespectful. (I’m an Indian and here ppl of parent’s generation expect ppl to wait till marriage)
With so many other issues I’m considering divorce seriously
I’m struggling between
– I never want to have sex with him coz how can I to someone who still isn’t over my ex. Ewww..
– I really have hots for my husband and want a good steamy sexy night with him coz I’m craving for intimacy
Which one of this is the right thing to do?
Also, we have gone upto divorce so many times in the past for really dirty, horrible reasons. Ppl who know us closely don’t think we even are meant for each other and we feel the same but have been fighting against it saying we love each other too much to let go.
At this point I don’t want to love him anymore and I don’t know if I love him anymore. But most of these times, my sexual desire for him has been the biggest driving factor for me to reconcile.
Am I pathetic here?
Not sure if this is relevant info but my husband isn’t conventionally hot or handsome and ppl say he looks way older to me but oh boy, I find him the sexiest.
On the other side, I’m considered conventionally attractive. We have the best time in bed whenever it happens
I have now started to think if I love him anymore or am I again convincing myself only coz I can’t imagine having sex with anyone else but him
And I feel I will throw my sex life out the window if we ever decide to part ways. At least for a veryyyy long time. This makes me consider staying in this marriage. Guys please be kind and don’t judge me here.
Please help me help myself