I ‘39F’ have a stressful life. Stressful Job and I am the financial provider. Stressful lawsuit where the defendants drag on for 4 years, stressful family life caused by my brother being absolutely unhinged. Just overall very stressful.
I manage it by breathing. Closing my eyes, breathing the energy out. It relieves the tension that I hold in my shoulders and mostly allows me to pause before answering a question, so that I don’t come across as sassy or rude. Not all questions, but a question that is asked when I’m overwhelmed and trying to decompress or an answer that requires mental load: which I carry for me, my husband ‘52M’ 5 years together, my two kids ‘3M’ and ‘2M’, and my ‘75M’ father. So you can assume I hear my name a lot and a lot is asked of me all the time.
With that said, my husband takes this breath of tension relief as “negative” and that my “body language” indicates that I’m trying to start a fight. After 5 years together, I’ve explained over and over that it is me just relieving tension, and that yes, my shoulders do sort of release down. But I do this breathing to keep me emotionally regulated in a very stressful and overstimulating environment. I don’t roll my eyes. I just breathe it out rather than holding it all in. It’s not a sigh: it’s just a calming breath. I hold my breath a lot when I stressed so this helps my breathing.
Instead of giving me the space to do this, my husband owns it, calls me negative, and tells me I need to find a better way to release my tensions. Because he then focuses the conversation on my breathe rather than the topic at hand (children logístics, weekend plans, etc) and then it spirals from there because I feel then emotional claustrophobic.
I need help in trying to figure out ways to release the tension throughout the day that are less “offensive” to him. I need to be able to release tension in a healthy manner so I can maintain regulation.
What are your suggestions?
TDLR: healthy emotional regulation tools other than breathing out the tension held in my body.