I (34f) have been dating my boyfriend (35m) for over a year. He’s truly the best partner I’ve ever had. We support each other’s dreams and goals in fitness and careers, have the most fun together doing both the exciting and the mundane, and lately have begun reading parenting books together.
My boyfriend had an extremely difficult divorce, and is the father of a 3yo. He now has 50/50 custody of his son. My boyfriend ended his previous marriage due to abuse on her part. The majority of her abuse against him was emotional/manipulative/gaslighting, but towards the end of their marriage, it did turn physical. In addition for trying to take him for all he had, during their divorce/custody proceedings, she lied to cps and accused my bf of abusing their child, which resulted in him losing custody for a time until the cps case came back completely unfounded.
She’s made it clear that she would like full custody, and is trying to paint him as an abusive/neglectful parent to achieve those ends. To be clear, my boyfriend has never harmed this child. And has shown me both video and text forms of her abuse of him.
Her messages are filled with hate, lies, and accusations. She has accused him, and now me, of so many things that he and I have not done, to hurt their child. She still accuses my bf of hitting him, anytime she sees a bruise on him. The kid is three, he tumbles and plays, and she won’t ever hear and accept that we didn’t do something she believes he or we did. She’s accused me of asking my bf not to hit the kid. She’s accused us of putting the kid down emotionally while he’s in my bf’s custody. The list goes on. Her messages are often 10 paragraphs long. She’s a narcissist, and it’s draining for me, even if I’m not the person receiving these messages and interacting with her directly.
I’m very torn. My bf is the partner I’ve always wanted to find. We have a shared vision for what our future could look like. We love each other very much. I’m coming to love his son (we introduced me and the son after 9 months into dating), and future next steps down the line would be moving in together, engagement, wedding, maybe a kid of our own.
I wish that thinking about that future only brought me joy, but the uncertainty and difficulty coparenting with a person who could be actively turning a kid against his parent, and tries to harass with messages daily, is daunting.
*TL;DR; Please help… from anyone who’s experienced this. Is it worth it? Is there a path forward to enjoy life with my partner, given that she probably won’t change? Or should I really consider breaking my own heart right now, and his, and walking away?
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