TL:DR 24M seeking advice on dating a 21F single mom (3 kids, demanding jobs). We have a strong connection, but her communication is extremely inconsistent (initiates, then goes silent for 8+ hours, this is a pattern). I sent a detailed message offering support and a "new start" to discuss communication. She replied asking to talk "on break" yesterday, but never followed up with a time or explanation. It's now the next morning, and I haven't heard back. Is this normal overwhelm? How do I handle this, and how can I communicate my needs without adding pressure to her plate? Am I misinterpreting her intentions?
Hi everyone,
I'm hoping to get some honest and useful feedback from other single parents here. I'm 24M currently exploring the possibility of a relationship with a wonderful girl 21F, who is a single mom of three young kids. She is a manager at a restaurant and just picked up a second job "for fun" for the next couple months. Her mother died a week before she gave birth to her first child, she was previously married, and her schedule is beyond full.
We met in late August, and I think we've developed a strong connection. We connected emotionally, shared vulnerable information, and I care for her and want to continue in this relationship with her and be there for her kids. I've been upfront about my acceptance of her kids and her life. I've also told my family about her and they told me some of the realistic challenges that can come with raising step kids and blending families. They told me they support me in my choices and trust that I do whats best. We have hung out twice and she let me hold her hands and massage them while we talked and she did the same to me. We both felt very close during these interactions.
Recently, after the significant emotional disclosure from her about her past and her life, I inadvertently caused a significant shift in our momentum. I shared that my family had more "traditional views" about the idea of us planning to share a hotel room for an upcoming concert trip. She said she understood but then immediately after, her excitement for our plans did a 180. She become overwhelmed, said she felt like a burden, and she wasn't the type of girl to bring around family. She ended up canceling the concert trip and said things like she was in her own head about things and felt embarrassed. I told her that isn't what I meant to do to her, I told her I wanted to take things on a more authentic path for our relationship and I didn't want my family to have a bad first impression of her because we were going to sleep in the same hotel room. I wanted to set things on the right path for my family's ideas towards her and I wanted to keep her happy.
The challenge between us: Her communication is extremely inconsistent due to her being overwhelmed, anxiety, and inexperience with relationships/texting (she admitted this part). This has been an ongoing pattern throughout our interactions. This inconsistency creates a lot of anxiety and confusion for me. She has said she does care for me too and sees a potential future with me.
Recently, I sent her a detailed and vulnerable message acknowledging her struggles, apologizing for my quick judgements, and proposing a "new start" where we can openly talk about our communication patterns and how we can navigate the overwhelm together. I told her I saw a lot in her and none of those previous challenges dismissed how I felt towards her. I told her I wanted to be a supportive and safe person in her life and wanted to continue towards a relationship.
She read my long message and sent a response 26 hours later asking if we could talk today on her break. I replied that I absolutely could talk and just needed to know what time. I didn't hear back from her with a time, or any acknowledgement that she didn't end up getting a break. It is now the next morning and still nothing from her end. This kind of non response after her initiation has happened previously between us.
Here are my questions:
- Is this kind of communication normal or expected given extreme overwhelm for someone like her, even though she initiated the talk?
- From your perspective, what is the best way for a potential partner to deal with this kind of inconsistent communication pattern? My current strategy is not to chase her, and wait for her to initiate the next step. I've already told her if we were to have a relationship I'd like to talk about more consistent communication. Even if they are just quick check ins with each other
- How would you, as a busy single parent, expect a new partner to communicate boundaries and needs without adding more pressure to your plate?
- Am I misinterpreting her intentions? Is it possible she asked to talk just to "keep my on the hook" without a genuine intent for a relationship, or is it more likely pure overwhelm that prevents her to follow through?
I'm trying to understand her reality and find a path forward with her, but I also need to protect my own emotional well being. I appreciate any advice or insight.