TLDR: I (36M) dated a woman (31F) for 10 months who constantly made me prove my love. No matter how much effort I put in: planning trips, caring for her, spending all my free time with her, she always found new reasons to doubt me. She’d blow up over small things (like not planning New Year’s Eve fast enough, not running Invisalign by her, or calling my parents on a trip), and accuse me of not caring. Even though she could be caring and sweet at times, her insecurity and controlling behavior made the relationship emotionally exhausting. I tried everything to make it work, but she walked away saying our “values were too different.” Now I’m wondering if I was just not enough, or if she was emotionally unstable and manipulative.
It started great. We spent a lot of time together, took trips, made great memories, and I truly believed she was the one. But over time, things started to unravel.
No matter how much love, care, or effort I showed, she often doubted whether she was special to me. We spent time together almost every evening. We live close by so it allowed us to meet whenever. She questioned if I really loved her or if she was just someone I picked from a dating app. I took her on road trips, planned special weekends, made her coffee on weekend mornings (we don't stay together), sent her food when she was stressed and had anxiety attack, and supported her through her day to day issues. But she would still say things like, “You don’t show me off enough to others” or “You don’t make me feel special.”
She placed a huge importance on external validation. For example, she wanted me to meet her friends whenever they were around on short notice on their schedule, and post pictures of us on IG even though she knew I didn't use the app and I was a private person. She mentioned that her ex didn't have an account either but he made one just to post pictures of her. Even though I met a few of her friends (4 of them) and always told her I was open to meeting more, she felt it wasn’t “organic enough” and used that as proof that I didn’t care.
Sometimes, small differences would spiral into big fights. Once, she got angry because I called my parents during a trip when we relaxing, saying I should have focused only on her. Another time, she got upset because I didn’t eat dinner with her when I wasn’t hungry even though I gave her company and walked with her to get the food. She said I should have “made an exception.” She also got mad when I bought Invisalign without consulting her first, saying it was a “life-altering decision” that I should have run by her. Made me cancel it through my dentist.
The hardest part was that she often made me feel like I had to prove my love by constantly adjusting myself, apologizing, or making her feel secure. When I calmly tried to explain how her reactions hurt me, she would say I was “holding resentment.”
A few examples of how things turned emotionally abusive:
New Year’s Eve: She almost broke up with me because I didn’t have a concrete plan yet until 6 in the evening. It was my first NYE in LA, and I was still figuring out what to do. I ended up taking her to a beautiful spot overlooking the city for fireworks, but she still said it showed I “didn’t care enough.” We had been together only for a month by this time.
NYC Trip: We were supposed to spend a fun weekend together at NYC. I had traveled a little earlier than her since she had work. I had dinner plans with old coworkers the evening she arrived, which I told her about in advance. She said it was fine – but when I came back around midnight, she got furious, accused me of not caring about her, and left our Airbnb the next morning without telling me where she was going. She ignored my calls for hours until I practically begged her to talk. It was shocking and confusing.
When her grandma passed away: She was mad at me for not “jumping out of bed with sense of urgency” when she got a call early in the morning about her grandmother being hospitalized. I had no idea what was going on and i am not a mornin person. It was 6:45AM on weekend. Even though I consoled her, offered to help, she didn’t talk to me for a day and accused me of not caring enough.
My parents: When my parents visited me from abroad after two years, things escalated way too much. She said I was “too close” to them and “too accommodating,” even though all I did was help them find an Airbnb and book their flights. I used to visit them 3-4 times a week to have dinner and check on them. I would also take them out on one of the weekends for a few hours since they were new to the city. I always made sure to include her in all our plans. My parents always invited her with me to have food with them. They treated her as her own daughter.
Everyday control: She got upset if I ended a phone call first. Once, she even said I should always “be ready” to meet her friends at any time, without advance notice.
At the same time, she did care for me in some moments. When I had surgery last month, she came to pick me up from the hospital, stayed the weekend at my place, and helped me recover. She’d cook for me sometimes, buy me small gifts, and write me notes. Those moments made me believe the good side was real and worth fighting for. But every time things got calm and loving, a new wave of anger or accusation would appear out of nowhere.
I truly loved her, cared deeply, and wanted to build something meaningful. But every time things went well, another wave of doubt or insecurity would crash down. We ended things because her reasoning was we had “differences in values.” She told me that when she initially met me she felt I was very American in values and after she met my parents and how i was helping them out her perceptions changed. I am honestly angry that she even mentioned this.
I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong or if she was emotionally insecure and projecting her doubts onto me. Was this relationship doomed from the start? How do you know when someone’s love language is actually turning into emotional control?