Let me start with saying I have no intention of leaving my marriage of 10 years. I either need a way to address these problems or this will be my life. We love each other, are committed to each other and have never had any infidelity or abuse issues. Problem is I think we have a different idea on what being committed to each other means. To me, when you love someone you put their needs/desires/comfort first whenever possible and consider how your actions/words will affect the other person(neg or positive). All of that is gravy with us both until mental illness steps in the ring. While depression has always come and gone in phases for both of us, neither of our hygiene has ever been effected until his was 2 years or so ago.
As with any marriage when it comes to hurt or resentment, the issue is not a single item- it’s multifaceted. I only want to address one piece of the puzzle in this post or it’ll get way into the weeds.
My biggest issue currently is:
How can I approach the topic of my husband’s hygiene without taking what little is left of his self esteem and murdering his already non-existent self confidence?
I could really use some advice, tactics or support here. We live a very solitary life- my friends and our families live on the other side of the country and my husband does not have any close friends (his choice, but that’s its own story). So there’s no one to see what’s going on and no one for me to confide in.
I love him and want to support and encourage him through this, but I can’t seem to bring any topic of the situation up without him feeling attacked and lashing out.
I’ve tried being subtle, tried using the idea of having sex as a way to encourage him to get clean first. I’m completely unattracted to him and at this point and can’t see a way for it to get better. He’s not seeing a therapist, won’t make any move to do it. Says if I set up couples counseling then he’ll go to the appts I schedule. He saw a general practitioner “yes man” who talked to him for half an hour and prescribed a med for manic depression- which I don’t think he is. Manic depression usually involves bouts of mania or highs, which is not a symptom he exhibits.
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If you want examples of the biggest hygiene issues, they’re below. But my question could be answered without them. Writing them out is a way to vent because it’s been 2 years of some of it and a lot longer for others and I can’t share this with anyone irl- Some of you may want a fuller picture. Warning: mention of sex, nothing nsfw imo:
– If we’re in the bathroom together and he finishes at the toilet, I turn the water on and step aside from the sink. At first he’d side step and I’d say oh I figured you wanted to wash your hands. Eventually he got the hint and just goes to the sink. If I’m not in there, I can hear he doesn’t wash his hands. The idea of him preparing my food, touching everything else in our home or using his hands to touch me really grosses me out.
– He’s begun dental treatment. But he allowed his lack of dental hygiene to cause black cavities across all his teeth. So bad that he does not smile and hides his face when he does. Now that the dental work has begun at the front, he still doesn’t smile and is not keeping up on brushing/flossing. I rarely see him brushing his teeth.
– showering. He showers before work, not after. He works a dirty, physical job in hot environments. The bed reeks from him sweating at night. I keep my pillows separate and use different pillow cases to make sure there’s no confusion, but I have to wash the sheets twice a week just to be able to fall asleep.
– cigarettes. We’re both smokers. For the non-smokers out there, there’s the obvious smell of smoking on a person who does it. That’s not what I’m referring to. Washing hands, gum etc is helpful to tone it down. But he sits in it. Because of his depression he’s very stationary at home. While playing video games or on his phone he has a lit cigarette. When smoke flows across the skin on your fingers, instead of floating into the air, it can leave a yellow residue that has a stench worse than an ashtray- his whole hands smell like this. And because of the previously mentioned habit of not washing his hands, when he comes to bed at night the smell actually wakes me from my sleep and I have to get away from him. It’s impossible to describe. It’s a strong, putrid smell very different from the smell of a lit cigarette. Aside from the smell, he’ll fall asleep smoking (we don’t smoke inside, thankfully). He has burn holes in many of his shirts, on our furniture and in every pair of pants he owns.
– clothing. He’s never been much for fashion or getting dressed up, he’s always been a nature guy who likes soft comfortable clothing. Problem is he hates clothes shopping. A few years ago most of his clothes had stains from food and rips. I started bringing him home shirts and pants that are his size, his style and go well with his closet. He appreciated it and liked the clothes I brought and wears them all the time. Great! But I can’t buy them fast enough to keep up with the burns and the stains from food/coffee and now I feel like a mom dressing a child.
– coffee. I clean the walls/doors/light switches once a month, sometimes more. There’s never a time when he’s not holding a coffee cup. Problem is he’s quite oblivious to the fact that he drips and splashes it everywhere he goes. Down the walls, on doors he opens, across the floor, on our furniture, on his clothes. He has to wipe his face before I kiss him goodbye (pretty much the only time we kiss) because it’ll be wet in his mustache… he does not grab a paper towel to wipe up larger spills. Just lets them dry on the carpet or tile.
– dishes. He’s done dishes maybe 12 times in the last 2 years, he’s cooked dinner maybe 5 times or less. We don’t have a dishwasher, I work full time and we don’t have kids. Recently we got into a bit of an argument (we rarely argue) when I brought up how unfair it is that he’s laid off right now and doesn’t chip in more around the house since I still have to work. He acted like I said that he’s a loser for being laid off and all of a sudden none of his contributions matter. Even brought up that for most of our relationship he’s made more money than me which was infuriating and offensive since we’re married and here he was using finances against me when it’s never been an issue before. I wasn’t saying any of that. I’m not mad he’s laid off- I actually think it’s a good opportunity with spare time/energy to get his head on straight. Unfortunately, he has refused to use the time to get himself together. Anyway! We argued and I said it was unfair for me to do the grocery shopping, cook, put it all away and also do the dishes and put them away for every meal while working full time since he has no daily obligations whatsoever. So he’s done the dishes twice since then. Once a week, meaning he’s actually only doing the dishes he’s piled up while I’m at work. I’d call it weaponized incompetence, but it’s truly not. He just doesn’t pay attention. 75% of the dishes he does still have obvious food on them or oils from the food. So I have to rewash them. I haven’t said anything about it because it’ll be an argument of “you wanted me to do the dishes, I did them” “you’re just nit-picking”. No. There’s visible food chunks on the dishes. The act of “doing the dishes” is to take dishes from being dirty to being sanitary to eat from. It’s not nit-picking his work to point out that the task wasn’t accomplished. Instead I avoid that conversation and just do them again.
* And then there was the final straw. I won’t go into too much detail out of my own embarrassment. Our sex life has been pretty non-existent, separate from these hygiene issues and with them it’s completely nonexistent. It was once every 3 months for years. Now it’s maybe once every 6 months and I do it solely to not hurt his feelings and put my mind elsewhere until it’s done. What happened was we took a trip, got a nice hotel, showered and had a nice few hours out at dinner. We each brushed our teeth before getting into bed- and both knew we’d probably be having sex. It had been within a few hours since we showered. We awkwardly initiated (because neither of us really knows what to do anymore) and got undressed and then it hit me like I’d run into a wall. A smell I can only describe like a dirty diaper sitting in a hot garbage can. It was incredible to the point I actually gagged, unable to control the reaction. We so rarely do it and there was no way to address it in that moment without severely wounding him so I just shut up and tried to breath out of my mouth until it was over. Since then nothing has been the same for me. The thought of having sex is repulsive. Laying in a stinky bed, him touching me with hands I know he hasn’t washed, kissing me with a mouth full of rotten teeth, knowing he’s unclean in his private area and that it’s now inside of me. I can’t barely type this and I’m at the end of my rope.
In sickness and in health is what we promised and what we meant and what I want. I NEED to drag him out of this. This cannot be my life until I die. His depression is so out of hand, though I don’t feel suicide is something that he would ever consider (thankfully). However, bringing up some of the lack of hygiene habits, even hinting, makes him visibly shrink. You can see the shame in his posture and on his face. Not because of the lack of hygiene itself, but because he feels attacked. What do I do????