I F 25 and partner M 26 have been dating a little over 1 1/2 years. He’s not my first serious relationship (longest was 3 years) and not my first partner to live with.
Background information that is important to this.
Before the lying started, I was pro porn and even watched porn myself. Even during the beginning of our relationship.
Around 3 months in, sports were big in our relationship. I decided to look up sports pages on his following so he’d see my name following them too and it would be something “in common”. Stupid, childish, I know. Well instead, I saw about 200 OF accounts. I was disgusted. It reminded me of fuck crazy men from my teen years. It felt dirty and excessive. We argued, we talked about it , came to an understanding. He unfollowed them.
2 months later, I was looking at a friends “man” account through his phone to investigate for a friend, so the man wouldn’t see my name in their profile views. Lo and behold, and OF instagram in his search history. Entails another fight.
Not only did this make me question how attracted he was to me, because I looked different than the models. But also stung because I had told him I’d stop watching porn because it felt wrong to do so when he was insisting he wasn’t in our relationship. Instagram models almost felt worse than porn because it was a specific individual and makes it personalized.
4 months later, his coworker slipped and mentioned a story that sounded suspicious. After an hour of asking him, he admitted to sleeping with a coworker before we met that he had been working with still throughout our relationship, but lied to me about it when I asked. He had also made up a fake name to me after the 3rd time I asked, so it wouldn’t line up to the coworkers name he worked with still for 3 months into our relationship).
For context, I’d asked him if he’d slept with coworkers before when we first started dating, and emphasized how it didn’t matter to me because I had also slept with coworkers before and understood how it just happens sometimes. My problem was that I have always given him a safe space to be honest and not feel judged, but he had continuously lied to my face multiple times. The night I found out about the coworker, he also admitted to jacking off behind my back still (I had asked him not to due to the insecurities that the OF accounts had given me. I had asked him to give me time to get over it and feel secure again).
This all adds up to months of feeling insecure. Like I didn’t know who I was dating. That I was wrong about who I thought he was vs who he was showing me who he was. I was in a constant battle on why I wasn’t good enough to be honest to, or why I wasn’t good enough for him to not lie to me about jacking off.
Over the last year and a half, we’ve had small fights about lying. Whether it was sexually related, or financially. There’s been lying.
Well since the situation with the coworker, he’s sworn he hasn’t watched porn. Due to a lack of initiating sex tonight, it erupted into an argument where he finally admitted he had been lying about jacking off.
All I’ve been asking from him is to be honest with me until I get back to a point of feeling secure in our relationship and his honesty with me. And it feels as if it won’t get there.
Our entire relationship I’ve been supporting his choices and pushing him to better his life. I’ve gotten him to start college again. I’ve gotten him to work on his credit. We talk about our future all the time.
I love him. Truly love him. He’s my best friend, and when I think about how when the passionate, lustful love fades in our older age, it’s still going to be him. He’s the one I see spending my life with.
I’ve had long term relationships not work out. That isn’t new to me.
I’m struggling with how to move forward with this. Leaving doesn’t seem like an option, because how do you just up and leave someone you’re in love with, living with, see a future with, over something as trivial as lying?
It’s easier said than done.
I feel as if I’m allowing disrespect and receive the same old apologies that don’t hold weight anymore.
I gave him multiple chances. The apologies don’t change my mind anymore. If it happened over a month, maybe. A year and a half, he’s shown me who he is and we’re at the point in our relationship where I just have to let it fizzle out and let our “conversations” and “reassurance” act as a blanket to the insecurity he makes feel and pretend as if it’s good enough.
I’m probably missing a few small lies in between as well.
Maybe I’m being dramatic. I don’t know. I feel like I can’t come to a rationalization. Or at least one I want to hear.