I (28M) made a post in a subreddit that is specific for non-religious dating in my very religious country alomst 3 months ago. That women (28F) was the only woman to DM me.
Days pass and we talk more and more. Mostly through voice calls. At some point at the very beginning, she mentioned that yes she is from my country, but she lives abroad. I didn't say it at that moment, but i fucking hate long distance relationship due to a "flirtationshit" i had in the past. Days pass by and i tell her about the that "flirtationshit" i had and how i hate long distance stuff. Probably did that twice. But it seems now that she didn't catch that. And I'm a fucking asshole for not saying it directly. I fucked up so badly for not saying it directly. For a lot of reasons i didn't say it. I'm clueless, I have never ever been into a relationship. That "flirtationshit" was with a women with a boyfriend and she had a daughter. We weren't actually flirting, at least i wasn't. Because i always respected that she is in a relationship. The only reason i call it a "flirtationshit" is that i don't know what to call it. I did love that woman but never ever crossed the line in anyway. I kept it for myself. Never ever hinted of anything but we both enjoyed talking to each other. That thing ended with no way back and i'm glad it ended.
Back to present, since I'm clueless about relationships, i don't know how to handle being in a relationship. I wasn't even aware that we are in something till a friend literally told me "bro, you are in a relationship. You just don't know it". Since the day she told me she lives abroad, i have been controling my emotions and feelings. I don't know what's going on. The only thing I'm sure of is that i don't want to hurt her. But I'm definitely doing it. I'm a fucking asshole. Big one. But I'm also super clueless and ignorante about relationships.
I'm an asshole because i lightly flirt with her and say stuff (I never said i love you. She also never said it) and she says "sometimes I think you flirt while you don't feel it", i said "you are right, I'm afraid that you might not accept that from me since it's my first time and i clueless" which is true. 100% true. But i never said the main reason, that she lives abroad and i don't like long distance. But i fucking kept flirting. I'm an asshole and inexperienced.
She has been planning to come back home for a vacation for a long time, before we get to the "flirting" phase. But for a long time i felt her feelings for me is much bigger than my feelings for her. Maybe I'm controlling my feelings because of the long distance thing but i don't feel it. When i say i flirt, it is literally me saying "i miss you" "i want to hug you", "you are beautiful", "your eyes are magnificent"(which is so true) one time i said "i want to kiss you". But i never ever said " i love you" or i "i like you".
Yesterday i picked her up at the airport, like at 3AM and we stayed together till like 9AM. I hugged her definitely but we didn't kiss like passionately. I think she hinted so hard and clear without saying it that she want us to kiss. Well, i do, but i don't think we are i have same level of feelings at her. I think since day 1 about the distance and not getting attached but she did. She also hinted about liking me and maybe loving me without saying it. And i still fucking bought her a necklace and sang her a song about long distance love.
I fucked up so hard. I'm an asshole. Big one. Really really big one. I never ever had the intention to hurt her. But i'm definitely doing it. I swear i had no intention in hurting her. Never. But i still can't deny i'm an asshole. Why the fuck i say stuff and don't feel it? I have no fucking idea. I don't think she loves because of flirting. I don't flirt that much. I rarely really rarely flirt.
Yesterday when we met, conversation a little bit led me to say "i don't like long ditance",
She said "we didn't you say that before", i said "i don't know were we are going"(which i said before) and maybe said couple of more things that i don't remember. However, the day went fine and we haven't sealed that issue 100%. At night i texted her and apologized for not mentioning that early when we met. She said "late is better than never". I still feel she is massively attached to me as we have been talking almost daily for hours and that we still haven't sealed the "long distance" issue. We are going to meet physically on tuesday.
I literally unable to sleep because i know i'm hurting her and i'm crying and so scared to hurt her, ruin her vacation (she said she is her for her mom, as her mom is also back home for living abroad in another country this week) and ruin her studies if i say we "breakup" by phone when she is back there.
What should i do? I'm a fucking asshole I know. Really big. How do i stop hurting her. I don't want to actually. If I continue like that I'll hurt her more. But if i did it maybe when we meet on Tuesday I'll still probably hurt her so fucking much.
Tl;dr
A girl i meet in reddit 3 months ago is from the same country as me but she mentioned early that she lives abroad. I hid that i hate on distance as at that moment we weren't something. And i'm fucking clueless who never been into a relationship. She never been in a serious relationship too. She seems to love me so much. Her feelings seems to be much bigger than mine(i flirted when i shouldn't. I did stuff thst i shouldn't do because i didn't feel it. But i never said i love you or i like you. But i still flirted). I don't know if i love her or not (the only 2 people know about her, say i do). But I chronically can't get the long distance issue out of my head. I hinted about that issue before, she didn't catch it. I talked clearly about it yesterday hours after i picked her up from the airport. Now i have no idea what to do.