My wife(35) and I(37) have been together for 15 years, 2 kids. We have sex 2-3 times a week and it’s ok. I want to try some new things and be more adventurous. I try to discuss these things with her and she will just shutdown.
I will mention some sort of idea such as introducing certain toys and the best I can get is ‘maybe someday’. Then if I try to plan for a day in the near future, she will just say ‘we will see’. It’s been years and the ‘maybe someday’ has never once happened. I’ll ask her what she likes and she will just say ‘I don’t know’. Like as soon as the topic starts she goes walls up and if I try to push the conversation at all she just gets mad.
She was SA at age 9, so I know she has trauma around sex. I feel bad for her but at the same time I feel bad for myself. Am I just supposed to ignore any desire I want. I am a very creative person and I feel closer to her if we push the boundaries. I feel closer to her if we do something that neither of us have done with anyone else. It’s starting to really way on me emotionally. I almost feel like I can’t be myself and have to surprise certain conversations. Any advice to make her feel more comfortable? she is not interested in therapy at all. Says she won’t go.
4 comments
She has to do the work
Point blank
If she is not willing…you are at a dead end
Her not willing to go to therapy is a huge red flag
My thoughts? She is communicating plenty albeit w/o words: Having sex several times per week is enough for me. I dont want to experience new things. I am OK with what we have. I guarantee you having regular sex isn’t always her desire or wish, but she doesn’t let on to maintain status quo. My suggestions is to appreciate what you have – but mostly to appreciate her for what she doesn’t say.
Couples therapy. A sex therapist specifically.
Have you tried just saying I want to do this with you, I think that is so hot when you are having sex? My hubby bought me a sex toy and it stayed in the bag for over a year because I was so intimidated and uncomfortable with the idea. One day when we were having sex, he stopped and grabbed the bag and said he wanted to try this with me now, is that okay? He told
Me what he wanted, he reassured me he thought it was hot as hell and I gave it a try. Glad I did. But it took quite a while before I was even open to the idea.
Wife needs rherapy on her own to deal with her past traumas. Couples sex therapy would be great for you both. But if she continues to avoid the issues, that needs to be addressed. See whats causing her to be uncomfortable. Talk to her and reassure her that you love her and desire her and just want to spice it up a bit, have some fun. Good luck and best wishes
I often think people who watch porn push boundaries. They are rarely satisfied for long. The pushing never ends as they need a new high.