Hey, I’m not looking for anyone to bash me for being an avoidant. But you can do so if you must. I’m looking for clarity, and answers.
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and 7 months.
I felt I wasn’t a good girlfriend for numerous reasons. But mainly I felt like we didn’t connect- I wasn’t in love. We weren’t best friends.
But now that I’ve ended it I think about everything he gave me. And he was amazing. I still don’t think I was in love but my thoughts and the way I speak about him tell me otherwise. I can’t tell if I’m missing him genuinely and I’m afraid to admit it, or if I’m trying to pretend I miss him so I don’t feel like an awful person.
What I’m trying to figure out was: was I in love with him and didn’t let my walls down enough to see it? Or was I not in love with him, and I forced it? For context I’m also diagnosed autistic and OCD.
I’m struggling deeply because I want everything I had, but I feel guilty wanting it knowing that I likely wasn’t in love and I don’t deserve it. He deserves to be in love, and so do I. I just wonder if I really was and was just avoidant. I would also like to add context by saying I believe I did LOVE him- just wasn’t in love. Still I see him everywhere and in everyone I meet. If I find someone attractive… they look like him. Which is interesting because during the relationship I felt I didn’t find him attractive all the time and I felt guilty. (Which could’ve been ocd) Another thing is that in the relationship I felt I didn’t connect with him. I have NEVER met anyone I didn’t connect with. So how likely is it the one person I trust with my whole self is the one person I “don’t connect with”. Could that be avoidance lying to me?
Do you have any advice? I’m just looking for clarity. I can’t fix avoidant issues if I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m trying. I want to be able to feel and fall in love but my brain shuts it out. I don’t know what exactly to do.
Was this all avoidance, or was it true disconnection?
2 comments
You did the right thing. You like what he gave you but you didn’t like the person giving it to you. Ur NOT the A Hole. You will know when you are in love and you said yourself you were not best friends.
I chose not to date a girl once because just like you, we couldn’t get to the next level of connection. If I did pursue that relationship, it would’ve been the exact same as yours but a lot shorter. You and the other person that will both eventually find someone that will treat you right and that you will want to treat right yourself filled with love.
I think you just miss the connection and not the person and when you think of the connection you think of him, I don’t think you were in love because I genuinely believe you’d know you were in love. I mean I love my boyfriend and even when we’re in our worst arguments I still feel love I do not question it, so just alone questioning probably is a good sign you weren’t in love with him you may have been in love with the connection or what he was emotionally bringing to the table but not him as a person.