I consider myself somewhat Emotionally Intelligent but I feel like I have failed..

Im currently in a LONG DISTANCE (so imagine how much tougher that is😅) relationship with someone with a lot of insecurity. He doesn't avoid talking to me, we call everyday, but when it comes to the ways I'm hurt, he seems to sort of shut down or blame himself or question the relationship, shame spiralling. This has sent me into a lot of pain because I felt like he had blinders on and that a lot of this was in his mind.

I have provided him a safe space and we've gone on many trips and in person things aren't as bad, I actually – weirdly enough – feel safe with him.

For the longest time, I was calmly speaking to him, using some techniques my therapist gave me (DEARMAN) to calmly bring things up without blame. I also watch Jimmy on relationships on yt and it helps, reassuring him, but still things escalated.. especially after our recent summer trip that went pretty well!

Now to where I feel like I'm messing up: I get pretty heated. I grew up with a verbally abusive father and I've always hated swearing and yelling, but now as time goes on I'm finding myself raising my voice in conversations, calling him selfish, and sometimes using the f word (f–king) to emphasize things (although I've never used swear words in my life) so my bf is telling me he's bringing something out in me and that I'm not being myself.

I feel at fault because maybe I should just focus on other things – well I am, I sing, I dance, cook, bake, I do my studies, spend time with family, but I can't help but have this at the back of my head feeling hurt that at the end of the day when we're supposed to call, it's going to be this mess where we are both out of it and possibly arguing again. I have blamed myself so much thinking if 3rd parties get involved I WOULD be the one shamed and blamed (because "you knew what you were getting yourself into") and he thinks it's the opposite. I have grieved so many times here. The world looks very dark to me now, I can't really explain it.

I told him he will have to rebuild trust by putting in a conscious effort showing his love CONSISTENTLY. His parents are also speaking to him explaining he needs help and not to leave me because "he won't find somebody like me again"

I don't know what to do. He's not a bad person, he's self aware but just extremely traumatized

TL;DR: I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone who shuts down & spirals when I express being hurt, despite us talking daily and having good in-person moments. I’ve tried to communicate calmly, but over time, I’ve started reacting emotionally, which feels out of character and tied to my own past trauma. I’m doing my best outside the relationship, but the constant tension is draining. He’s not a bad person just deeply hurt but it’s affecting me too, and I don’t know what to do anymore.


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