For some context me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost three years, since high school. We are now in college and have been doing long distance for the past two years.
Throughout our relationship we have had a lot of major fights of which I usually took the blame and would promise more effort then nothing would change and we would repeat the cycle.
As things reached a boiling point with me wanting to do a study abroad next semester (despite it meaning less time with her) we reflected on our relationship and did some research and realized that she was very much an anxious attachment and I was more avoidant which was part of this negative cycle we are in.
Since the beginning she got attached really quick and moved things faster than I was ready but I really liked her and wanted to please her and would agree. This pattern led to me never setting clear boundaries and basically going with what she said. She’s also extremely stubborn and argumentative so if I didn’t disagree it would turn into a whole argument/discussion which as an avoidant I hate so I would just agree.
This led to her constantly wanting me to meet her needs which meant always prioritizing her as she is very anxious and needs that closeness. This would lead to her essentially pulling me closer which would then push me away.
Throughout all these conflicts she’s lost her trust in me as she initially put all this trust into me meeting her unachievable standards while I also started resenting her as anything she did would come off as controlling and trigger me. This has basically led us to this point where we still love each other but don’t necessarily trust or fully like the other as there’s all this built up tension, I also feel extremely guilty as I never set clear boundaries or approached her anxious attachment in a healthy way. And she feels very alone in the relationship as a result of me distancing myself.
Recently we’ve been reflecting on this and recognize that we were in an unhealthy relationship. She is taking full accountability for her actions and says she wants us to work on it together, she’s been doing research and thinks we can fix it. However that requires my 100 percent effort which I don’t know if I can give. I feel like there’s too much that has been built up and growing together wouldn’t be possible with that many triggers and deep rooted issues against the other.
I don’t want to stay out of guilt or because of pressure either, even with us discussing what to do I feel like she’s pressuring me to make a decision when I don’t know what I want. On one hand I would like the freedom of being single again and being able to work on myself as I feel like I’ve lost myself and my identity through our relationship. But on the other hand me leaving feels like I failed her and all the promises and plans we had for our future together, it feels like I’m giving up.
I’ve been grappling with this for the past week and she wants me to commit to a decision. Every time I feel like I’m going to break up I just think about all our memories and all the fun and good times we had and feel like I can’t lose that like it’s losing myself. We are also compatible in many ways and have a great dynamic. But then when I think of staying I just think about how it won’t work and things will just get worse and we’ll keep being unhappy in the relationship
I don’t know what to do and would greatly appreciate any advice
TL;DR: I dont know if I can put in my full effort and am fully willing to work on my unhealthy relationship