My boyfriend and I have been dating since we were 20 and now we’re both 25. We met at uni and even lived together for a year during that time.

But in the last month, we had a big argument. For context, he wants to stay at his family home and save for a mortgage for us while I want to move out with him soon even if means we’re just renting. One of the reasons why I’m so keen to move out is because of my family situation at home (complex PTSD from childhood abuse which I’m planning to get therapy for) which he is aware of this. He told me I was welcome to move into his family home but that it might dampen my relationship with my dad. Because of that, I felt hesitant to take up his offer. This was last year.

Then 2 weeks ago one of his childhood best friends moved into his spare room because she was going through a breakup and was about to be homeless. I thought I was okay with this but I realised I really wasn’t because I felt like he was so ready to take her in whereas I didn’t feel that warmth when I was in that position. We argued about this and he told me that she’s a lesbian and if I can’t accept their 20 year friendship then we’ll have real issues going forward. Today we try to talk it out and make amends but I find out that he told her about our argument and that I was wary of her. Course I got mad he confided in her about this out of all people.

I later finally expressed that I had been feeling like he was getting complacent over the last year or so and that maybe I was expecting too much from him. For example, I was the one who encouraged him to learn how to drive, to look into trying out a corporate graduate job, to learn how to swim – by the way I can drive, swim, and have a corporate job. He did most of these. However, I asked him why all these years he’s never suggested things I can work on about myself. At first he said because that’s not how he operates. Eventually he said the following things he didn’t like about me or wanted me to change:

  1. I get angry easily (I have been actively working on my short temper in the last 2 years since he first told me)

  2. I nag too much and he hates being told what to do (he told me he learnt how to drive out of resentment)

  3. I make sudden noises/movements which stresses him out (I told him I don’t do these on purpose but I will try to do these less)

  4. I should just accept that he has a lot of female friends (he told me that he stopped talking to lots of his female friends because of my reaction when I got uncomfortable and asked him to cut off two of his friends who sat on his lap and played with his hair)

  5. I should make an effort to make more friends (he’s right I don’t have many friends, not nearly as many as him, especially not guys)

To be honest it hurt to hear this all at once. I told him I wish he told me sooner so I could improve but he said he was scared of my reaction. In particular what he called nagging, I felt like was my way to show care about his self-development.

The truth is, I have been feeling detached from the relationship for the last few months (he doesn’t know). Partly because of my declining mental health from my living situation (I’ve been saving money to move out). I told him I was sorry for being so dependent on him with my problems. He said he still loves me and wants to be with me, and I love him too but the reality is we aren’t as compatible as we once thought.

In the past, we uncovered some other fundamental differences between us such as him being anti covid vaccine vs me being pro, and him being atheist vs me being Christian. It was hard but we were able to accept and overcome these differences. That’s why now I’m so worried as to why it feels like we can’t this time.

Should we break up?

TLDR; my bf and I have discovered some unreconcilable differences and he has expressed things he doesn’t like about me. Is it time to break up?


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