hi! i (23F) dating someone (26M) who is has an asylum pending decision, he had his interview in august this year and he is waiting for a decision. we’ve been dating for almost a year now. i love him a lot and would want to get married to him eventually. there are some things that i don’t like about him and would like to have to the time to work it out together in the relationship. he expressed that he has to get married early next year since his sister already got a gc and would get her citizenship in feb and she will sponsor their parents and after that his dad would require to close the asylum case. i want to help him here but i also feel like im left with no choice. he was saying that if i truly loved him, id do this for him and that my love is conditional. i dont want to feel like i wasted his time.
yeah it’s going to be a year next month and he expressed that he needs to get married in the next 8 months and i should tell him in a few weeks if ill do it so he can find other avenues otherwise. i feel very pressured. i want to be with him but dont want to string him along. it just hurts deeply knowing ive to break up because of circumstances rather than seeing it through and working through our differences together. i feel like it could’ve actually worked out long term had it not been immigration challenges. i feel very sad. he said if i choose to not be with him at his lowest, how will i have his back later? i feel the worst. i’m crying and anxious all the time.
he makes me feel so loved and so valued and so precious. i feel like i wont be loved like this or taken care like this ever. i can’t find another person this attractive and it hurts me to the core.
we started dating last november. the first five months we were dating, things were going really good partly because we were doing things that he wanted and i was kind of reserved and doing everything to be the perfect girlfriend for him. i felt like i was slowly losing myself. for example, he is extremely protective of me and didn’t want me to go on a trip to italy with my college best friend in april. in june, he revealed that he was under asylum status and would need to marry as soon as possible to get a green card.
over time, i realized we have different lifestyles and hobbies. he likes going to malls, cities, spending time towards his career. until june, he was recruiting and he barely had time for me. i stayed with him through it all but kind of got frustrated. i am the type of girl to want to do everything with my bf. i had to slowly resort to making plans with my friends more. i also am more of a nature person and like hiking (we live in california right but are original from nj/nyc).
he has gotten extremely angry at me few times which left me crying and sobbing and mad at myself for triggering him. he has anger reflexes like fisting and throwing water at stuff or throwing his phone but i know he would never hurt me. i cry a lot with him. it’s very hot and cold. the good moments are so good and the down moments hurt me a lot. he’s extremely loving and caring, but he also gets angry and picks fights easily. maybe i should be more controlled and reserved like i was in the beginning which he liked.
i do love him a lot. i cherish our good moments where we are so loving. i know the attraction will stay with him if i marry him . he keeps things interesting. we have a good time together. he is so funny and cracks a lot of jokes and we laugh together a lot. this made think about my previous relationship where we were like best friends and do everything together but the attraction kind of faded. i lost attraction for my previous ex but we were very compatible.
i am just wondering if the differences in lifestyles and our hobbies and personality will make a difference if i were to get married to him. i kind of feel pressured to get married because of his immigration status and that doesn’t right with me. i would like to do it on my own timeline but he said that wont work for him. i realized i love traveling, i am outgoing, spend time with friends. on the other side, he is opposite – he likes easy going, doesn’t like hiking, wants to focus on making more money, ends up dropping all of his friends. i want him to take me on long drives.
i wanted advice on whether this will last? i want to work through our differences but idk if ill be happy in the long term if we dont have the same hobbies, same interests. other times, i think maybe ive to be a bit more understanding.
what are some things you value in a relationship and in a partner/ boyfriend?
a part of me is just afraid to go back into dating and trying to find someone that i’m compatible. i haven’t been single for almost 4 years now. back of my mind, i won’t find anyone like my bf – handsome, charming, charismatic. i just feel like ill never be happy in any other relationship because no one will make me feel this way – butterflies in my stomach. i kind of feel lost that my relationships are not lasting. i just want to be with someone who i see myself getting married. as i grow up, ive realized marriage is such a big commitment and i want to do it once. this is the person ill be having kids with, spending the rest of my life so i want to be absolutely happy and confident in the longevity of the relationship.
i am extremely sad and emotional that we might need to break up because im not ready to get married within the next year. i tear up thinking bout a life without him. i like to think im strong and i can move on, spend time with friends, but i am not mentally strong enough to be single.
this was a very long rant but would appreciate some advice as i navigate relationships in my early 20s.