Hello everyone. I am seeking advice as the betrayer. My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years. Him and I started off as an open relationship and then became exclusive. The beginning of our relationship shared some traumatic experiences. For example, he shares two kids with another woman. When we finally became exclusive – he cheated with me with baby mama. He was working in oil and gas at the time and I meal prepped for him and drove about 7 hours to go see him, to then find snapchats of him talking explicitly with baby mama. I found this out because he left his phone in the hotel. Ever since that, I've had some trust issues.
Anyway….fast forward to almost 10 years, I was caught cheating with a very close friend. This friend started off as a coworker who I became close with. Who also became friends with my husband. Who also became one of our groomsmen.
I cheated a few months after our wedding and got caught last month. It was an ongoing affair for about a year. It's hard to admit but I cheated because I was unhappy in our marriage and I went about it the wrong way. I've taken accountability with my actions. I haven't been defensive with what I've done. I've really tried to prove to my husband that I can change. I've been taking care of myself. All while trying to also bow down to my husband. If anything, I want my husband to ask me questions. I want him to know that I'm no longer in a place of hiding.
It's been a month of this and my husband still hasn't given me the definite answer if he wants to work on our marriage or leave. We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.
What I need advice with is I don't know if I deserve how I'm getting treated now. He has downloaded dating apps and started messaging other woman on them and on IG. He says he can't get hard for anyone else except for me and that he never wanted to talk to other woman but I made him do this. He asked if we could have a threesome because he said that might make him feel better, I agreed and well….it did not make it better. He changed his phone password, removed his location and has disappearing messages now.
At what point is it considered disrespectful to me now? I totally understand that I broke the trust and that he is trying to figure it all out. But I'm confused with the mixed signal. If you want to leave and entertain other woman, why can't you end it with me? If you want to stay with me, why are you doing destructive things to make the situation worse?
I'm sincerely looking for genuine advice. I already know I did the worst of the worst, but I do believe I deserve happiness too. But when is it no longer worth fighting for?
Thank you