I’m 30 years old and honestly, I’ve probably had less sex than the average teenager. It’s not that I don’t want it, I have a healthy libido and I experience sexual attraction, but the fear of actually sleeping with someone is so overwhelming that it’s kept me from dating for years at a time and has at times heavily impacted my ability to enjoy myself during the act itself.
My history is pretty sparse. I had a serious relationship from 18-21 (the second half being long distance), after that, just one short rebound fling, and a friend I hooked up with maybe ten times over the next five years. I tried to date during this time but was so overwhelmed with fear that I rarely even allowed it to get to a first date. I became incredibly isolated, and my insecurity of being inexperienced and therefore probably bad at it made my fear worse.
At 26 I got into a relationship with a man who lived in another country that lasted a little over 3 years. I was surprised in the beginning to find that I felt safe enough with him to actually be myself, and express myself sexually in a way I hadn’t before, and I think the massive distance between us was a big factor in being able to allow myself to form that bond. I stayed with him for a few weeks about 7 months into the relationship, but didn’t get the chance to see him in person again, and as the relationship recently ended, no one has touched me since.
Right now I’m still grieving the breakup with my ex, so I know it’s too soon to jump into something serious. But I miss being known and loved by someone. I feel touch starved, lonely, and constantly at war with myself. Wanting intimacy but being terrified of it at the same time. The older I have gotten the sooner people seem to expect sex when dating and every time I try just to be immediately approached by men trying to get laid, i feel like an empty shell.
Dating is hard enough for me as I am disabled and have a special needs child. sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it to put myself back out there and instead just accept my solitude, but I know that’s not really what I want. Have any of you dealt with this, and do you have any advice on how I can get past this?