hi ya’ll! this was my first real relationship ever after a really turbulent and traumatic love life so please be soft with me if you can.
my relationship with him last two years and it was his first relationship as well (if not more of a first because he hadn’t even really romantically spoken to a woman). as you would expect of two college kids barely 20 when they met, the relationship was rocky but passionate, i don’t think i’ve ever met someone i was so comfortable around. we spent almost all day every day together studying and hanging out. there wasn’t a topic we wouldn’t talk about, there wasn’t a moment where i wanted to be apart from him. however, the conflicts could be just as intense as the good moments, not because he was necessarily an evil person nor i but because it seemed to me that he couldn’t understand why i would have relationship expectations such as going out or getting gifts when we could just enjoy each other. it was hard for me to explain it to him because a)he’s pretty neurodivergent and b)he’s extremely insecure due to past traumas (some of the worst traumas i’ve ever seen) so i couldn’t bring up “well other ppl do it” without it hurting him which as messy as that sounds i get it. me, being overly empathetic all the time, would let things go and hope that the next time i brought it up it would be different. at a certain point i gave up and thought that since he barely had expectations of me then i should maybe loosen up on him a bit. however, due to my past traumas, i had picked up the habit of checking his phone when he was asleep. yes i know, you shouldn’t do that to your partner, but i couldn’t help myself, the idea that he was potentially talking to someone else was in my head 24/7 despite him not showing a shred of interest in even conversing with another woman and spending all day every day with me.
a few months ago i checked his phone and there it was: fucking tinder. i lost my shit on him and he was calm, he came clean, told me when he downloaded it (during a bad fight between us two days ago), and why. that “why” is still something that stirs in my head everyday. he said that it was because of his insecurities of his looks (the insecurity thing is very true) that he wanted some cheap validation. in the moment, i wanted to believe him and so i did, tried to let it go but literally an hour later i couldn’t anymore. i demanded that he show me if there were any exchanges between him and other girls (because in my fury i didn’t check the messages which i still regret till this day). if he didn’t say anything and it was really just to see if anyone would find him attractive that is one thing. but if he even tried to talk to someone that would be it for me. he said he didn’t text anyone but he refused to show me. he said he felt too ashamed of his actions with downloading it in the first place that he didn’t want to open it for me anymore. his pride was placed before me that day and i kicked him out. i never found out the truth.
fast forward a few weeks and im in full anxiety break down mode. my parents flew in to take care of me and i was still talking to him because i guess i couldn’t let him go and neither could he. i cant exactly recall what our conversations were about but they definitely weren’t romantic. i think we were just tryna figure out what to do next as a team because we were both lost, we were friends before we were partners yknow. after a month or so of back n forth, bickering, talking, discussing, we ended up back together. not as partners per se but just as two people that really liked each other.
shocker that that didn’t last long. i always knew his issues were deeper than insecurity, it was a deep self hatred that conflicted with any ounce of happiness he could’ve brought into his life and he barely had a healthy support system. how could he even begin to attend to me if his eyes were always glued to the parts of him he despised? he blew up on me one day out of the blue and i blocked him. i loved him so much but i couldn’t bear watching him tear down the lovely man i had gotten to know the last two years.
a week after he came to my place and he looked fucking awful (i didn’t want him to come btw but the hotline lady he was calling told him he should if it made him feel better which is kinda fucking nuts?). he was gaunt and skinny and the moment i opened the door he started sobbing in a way i had never seen before. he begged for me to hear him out and i did. he explained his headspace that day, he explained his mental illness, he explained the steps he was taking to improve and told me that he had read all the terrible things he had said to me to his psychiatrist for advice. he wanted another chance. i told him i couldn’t tell him whether or not i even wanted to talk to him again because i haven’t processed anything well enough to make a decision. i did the hardest thing i ever had to do that day and i turned him away, telling him that when i’m ready i will contact him again.
he’s contacted me a few times since then asking to talk and i’ve turned him down (very hard), reiterating that if he contacts me again without me contacting him first that this would be over before i can even make a decision because i’m asking him to respect a boundary. since then i have heard nothing (i hope he keeps it that way i think?)
here’s my issue now. i’ve said a lot about what had happened towards the end but he was one of the only reasons why the last two years of my life have been relatively stable if you can believe that. i was an absolute mess when i met him, partying, dr*gs, unsafe behavior, you name it. i dont say this as a way to say that i feel as if i owe him anything, but that he has left a permanent mark on me and im still so utterly in love with that man that i know exists under all that self hatred. another part of me is so exhausted and just wants to move away to a little island all by myself. idk what my decision will be when i have one. idk if there even is a decision to be made. to be honest, this is the oddest mental space i have ever been in. part of me hopes he’s exactly the same as before when i speak to him again, part of me hopes he’s everything i ever hoped and better when i speak to him again.
i guess my struggle right now that i would like to get advice on is how do i become comfortable with not knowing what to do yet? how can i even handle or process a situation like this? or an even better question, how do you cope with loving someone you don’t want anything to do with as the way they are? i know there’s nothing i can do to make him change, that’s something that is completely on him.
anyways, idk if anyone will read this long long looong post but i’m desperate as can be so why not.