Hi everyone, I really need some honest advice. I don’t know if I’m wrong here or if anyone else has gone through something similar.
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and have 3 small kids. We’re a Christian couple, but it wasn’t always like that. We’ve been through a lot honestly, more than I can even put into words.
He was an alcoholic for many years, and during that time, I went through a lot of hurt and trauma. By the grace of God, he’s now a recovering alcoholic, and it’s been a slow but steady process. I’ve always stood by him, even through the hardest times when I was left to care for our kids alone.
At one point, I decided to separate from him for a year. Completely distance myself from him. During that year, I lived completely independently, raising my kids, running my business, and focusing on healing. While he was in away (not in a good place)…. After that year, God restored us, and we decided to give our marriage another chance and allowing God to continue healing.. he also gave himself to God.
Since then, things have been better in some ways, but one issue keeps coming up — sex.
We’ve been doing therapy, we’ve done marriage counseling at church, and trying to communicate better. Anything to work on our marriage.
But my husband feels like I don’t make him happy because I don’t have sex with him “as often as he wants.” He says I “only want to have sex when I want to.”
For context, we usually have sex 2–3 times a week, sometimes once when life gets hectic. When we do, it’s always good he’s satisfied, I’m satisfied, and it’s never boring. But if a few days go by without it, he starts to get upset.
We both work long hours, I run a busy beauty business, he works full-time, and we have 3 little ones. Our life is constantly moving, and sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Sometimes, I just want to relax and spend quality time together without it always leading to sex.
A few nights ago, we had a really bad argument about it. Well he yelled and I decided to be wise and stay completely quiet to be wise… all I could do at that moment was cry…
Two of our kids were with their aunt, and we only had the baby. We had a quiet evening, rested, watched TV, just enjoyed being home. Something’s that rare but like I said we’re always on the go. We even got to rest on our couch, I can’t even tell you when was the last time we did that. Then he asked if we were going to have “sexy time.” I honestly wasn’t in the mood. Not because I don’t love him, but because I was tired and comfortable.
We had already had sex earlier that week, only 3 days before. Eventually said “fine, but it has to be quick.” Then an hour passed, and I changed my mind, told him maybe in the morning. That’s when everything exploded because “I didn’t go through with my word after I told him we were going to have sex.”
He started yelling, saying I don’t give a F*** about his feelings, that I’m not a good wife, that he wants out of the marriage because he “can’t be in a relationship without sex.” That I’m not ready for a marriage, that I still have an immature mentality. That we’re both healthy people and should be having sex. He cursed at me, told me f*** you, and said I’m only a good mom and business owner but basically not a good wife.
It brought back all the memories of how he used to be when he was drinking.. the yelling, the disrespect, the aggression. I started crying, and he said I was just “playing the victim.” That all he said was a like “F***” word and I’m crying…
The manipulation.. to make me think I was wrong for feeling hurt and crying.. after he promised he would never speak to me that way again… after he just did a whole re proposal a month ago… how am I supposed to feel?
He also said I’m not following what our therapist taught us. But it had only been 3 days since the last time. Since then, I’ve made an effort like he’s been asking of me. Making his coffee, being affectionate, showing love but it feels like if I’m not giving him sex, none of that matters. He oversees everything.
Then last night, I found out he was going through my phone while I slept. He basically insinuated that he can’t trust me. A little back story during our 1 year separation, I was seeing other people. I’ve already taken accountability for that and I understand that in the past, his actions led me to seek validation from others which I know was wrong. But I’ve repented, grown, and completely given myself back to God and my marriage.
Now he’s back to being aggressive in the way he talks, and honestly, I’m completely turned off by the whole situation. It’s like no matter what I do to show love and effort, it’s never enough unless I’m giving him my body.
I also understand that the Bible says a wife should not deny herself to her husband (and vice versa), and he brings that up a lot. I respect that I truly do. But I also feel like if it’s only been a few days and I’m just not in the mood, that should be okay too. I’m not depriving him of sex, I just need grace and understanding sometimes.
I’ve forgiven things that most women wouldn’t, and I’ve poured everything into this marriage as a wife, a mother, and a woman of faith even when he did not deserve it. But moments like this make me feel small, disrespected, and pressured. I feel like I have to give in just to keep the peace, and that’s not what intimacy should feel like in a marriage.
I don’t know what to think anymore. Am I wrong for not wanting sex as often? How do you balance desire, exhaustion, and respect in marriage? I just want to feel loved for more than what I can give physically.
There is so much I’ve missed on this post of everything we’ve been through in a total of 12 years and I just can’t believe I’m still being treated with disrespect….
Please be honest, I really need advice.