Ages / Genders: Me (27F), boyfriend (28M)
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Background:
We’ve been together for 9 months. Overall, things are good, but I’ve noticed a pattern that’s hard to ignore — I feel like I’m the one who has to initiate most things, whether it’s deeper conversations or sex.
He still lives with his parents, and I won’t have my own space again until the end of the year, so privacy is a challenge. We have had sex at his place, and I enjoyed it, but it still felt like I was the one initiating.
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The Issue:
We’ve talked before about wanting more balance and initiative from him, but it feels like those conversations just drift off — almost like they never happened — because I don’t see much attempt from him afterward.
Sex is not all I want from the relationship, but I do know I have a deep desire for him. The problem is, I don’t feel that same level of passion coming from him. He’ll sometimes get in his head during sex and lose his erection, which leaves me disappointed. He’s admitted his erection quality has declined over time, but I think a big part of it is mental, because I’ve seen how responsive he can be when he’s truly in the mood.
It’s frustrating because I don’t want to keep holding myself back sexually just to avoid being let down, and I don’t want to feel like intimacy only happens if I make it happen. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure him or make him feel attacked.
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What I’ve Tried:
• Talking about the issue and asking for more initiative, but not seeing much follow-through.
• Dropping hints and encouraging him when he does initiate.
• Trying to be patient with the living situation.
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What I’m Looking For:
How do I bring this up again without it just fading away like before? How can I express that I need more initiative and passion from him — in both our conversations and sex life — without making him feel insecure or shut down?
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TL;DR: Together 9 months. My boyfriend rarely initiates sex or deeper conversations, and when we do have sex, he sometimes gets in his head and loses his erection. We’ve talked about this before, but nothing really changes. I know I have a deep desire for him, but I don’t feel like he has that same passion for me. How can I address this without hurting him or making him shut down?