I can’t stop feeling like I wasted my whole life. At least, I wasted my 20s.
I dropped out of two different degrees, so despite spending four years at university I don’t have a bachelor’s degree (and yes I still have debt). I was a shit student. I could never make myself focus on work; I could never really engage or concentrate; I got distracted easily; and I spent most of my time on extracurriculars.
And after that I just frittered away my time. I kinda just did nothing. I worked random shitty jobs and lived with my parents. I had passions, mainly for writing and performing and making short films, but I let it all fall by the wayside. I couldn’t bring myself to follow my passion because I was too afraid to look like a naive fool chasing an unrealistic dream. But then I never pursued anything down to earth either.
Now I’m 31 and stuck. I hate my job of bartending. It can be fun, but it’s really not fulfilling, and doesn’t pay enough. The only way to make more is go into management, but the ceiling is still really low. But I have no idea what else to do.
What I want most in life is to get married and have kids, ideally lots of them. Because of my age, I need to get started on that sooner rather than later. But I’m stuck figuring out how I could possibly support a family in the next few years.
I feel so insanely behind. I’m basically in the same life stage as someone ten years younger than me.
I know it’s not healthy, but I constantly feel jealous of people who are younger than me. Especially if they’re on top of their shit, or they’re actually pursuing a passion, and even if they’re not they still have so much time. It’s stupid to feel this way, but I can’t help it and these feelings are eating me alive.
10 comments
Most people feel like they wasted their 20s. Not saying everybody feels it to that extent, but EVERYBODY would’ve done something different in their 20s.
Adhd?
Your situation isn’t unusual.
The reason you’re unhappy is because you’re focused on what other people are doing. The nice thing about getting to your 30s is you can start to let that stuff go (if you make a conscious decision to).
You want a family, you want a stable career. Go back to school, go into accounting. If you don’t have the prereqs see what you need to get there. Use those prereqs to wrap up your major.
If you don’t like numbers start a LinkedIn and DM people who are in marketing or sales roles and ask them how they got there.
I would not recommend doing a software engineering bootcamp unless you have a passion for programming.
If you have a clear goal and you are actively working towards that goal it will be easier for you to focus on that and not how good/ bad other people are doing in comparison. It’s your life not theirs, your goals not theirs.
Unless you are financially secure you likely aren’t ready for that stage in your life so stop worrying so much. Your entire life can change in just a couple years. I restarted my career in my 30’s and it sucked, but I did it. I do not regret it at all, and it has definitely saved years on my body switching from being on my feet all day to hybrid work. You are also not financially in a spot to start a business and assume the risk. Is there any job you thought looked fun or interesting? Go find a way to get into a new career field that makes more money.
You gotta stop being jealous of other people because thats not gonna do shit for you. You are your own worst enemy because you aren’t executing, you are spinning wheels. You need to pick a goal, and fuckin execute man.
Everyone wastes their 20s. No big deal. Let me know if you waste your 50s too
Im 32. Im starting my 3rd year of a 4 year degree, I lost 75 lbs in the last 2 years, im getting back into competitive tennis, I’m working on my social and dating skills, im learning to dance, I go hiking every weekend, working on my fashion sense, learning how to keep my apartment pristine, eating healthy, started back in the gym, etc. I dont make 6 figures, thats not possible while im in school, but I’m trying to develop myself in as many areas as I can.
There’s a saying that i try to live by: the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.
Regret doesnt serve you. You only have the time that you have in this life, so try to make the most of the time that is left, and don’t dwell on things that could have been.
Unfortunately yes. I didn’t go to uni til I was in my 30’s, BUT, I have to be honest I’m glad I didn’t go earlier. My ex wife would have taken that much more.
Life is what is is, you are where you are for a reason. Maybe your post here is about getting yourself ready to finish something, a tafe degree, a uni degree, some certificate somewhere for something? Chase down the source, and fix the issue, my guy. The only time it’s ever too late is if you’re dead.
You got this. Man up my guy. Your time is now.
Brass tacks, a couple of points in your favor to easy you back: 1) as a man, you mostly get away with having kids at an older age (you can realistically meet a woman 5-6 years younger than you and have kids until she’s mid-30s without too much to worry about) and 2) your plan doesn’t require a college degree specifically, so you’re nominally not behind.
So the things you mentioned specifically are not out of your range.
Get an ADHD evaluation. If you happen to think your BA would still be valuable to you, consider wrapping up the degree by returning to school and taking advantage of those credits, but it sounded like you prefer other ventures so I really recommend you go hard after those.
You cannot control time. Neither can I. But that’s not your fault. ADHD is not-great RNG for a lot of purposes, but you need to live your life with dignity and purpose anyway. Relatedly, there is a philosophy called “absurdism” that crystalizes a lot of this conundrum, and really speaks to the struggle of the neurodivergent with the pace of life in our society. Consider reading up on it.
I was the same at 31 bro. Nearly 40 now with a kid and a pretty decent job.
If you drink or smoke pot, quit both. Life got better quite quickly for me once I stopped. If you don’t drink or smoke pot… Take the sales pill.
If you have no qualifications it’s a good way to get to a relatively high income pretty quickly. Your job bar tending proves you have the core skills to work in sales. Having a decent salary and thus future outlook will naturally make you more confident and then women and kids will take care of itself.
Man I’m about to be 38 and extremely far behind on life.
I’ve also always wanted a family and unfortunately feel that time has gone.