My husband and I have been unhappy for a time. I know that realistically, we should split. I want to believe in him enough that he will change. Anyways, we had an argument about how to handle anger last night. I feel his is malicious and intended to hurt me. Mine tends to be more reactionary because of a cause. Here's some examples:
Yesterday I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. I had baked zucchini bread for my extended family and the bride wanted some for breakfast (I didn't tell my husband this…just a bunch of things in my head that I forgot to mention). As I'm trying to leave in a hurry, my mom reminds me of the bread (which I had discussed with her). My husband starts going on about how it's not important, the bride doesn't care about bread on her wedding day. I cut him off and just said he didn't need to worry about it. In the car was angry that I cut him off and when I responded he told me to "shut the fuck up" in front of our daughter.
Othertimes I get called a bitch, screamed at. I often just walk away, and prefer to argue over text because I don't handle that type of energy well. Other times I'll go on a drive and call my parents.
Two weekends ago I had thrown my back out and couldn't walk. He was in a bad mood, not related to me. I asked him a question and he snapped me. I tried to hobble away from his angry energy, but he followed me, yelling at me. (According to him he was pissed because I shouldn't be walking wing my back). I called my parents in front of him, hoping that a 3rd party would calm him down. He then started screaming at me about something about his job. Normally I'd ask him to go away and take a drive. Or I'd take the kids to a park or something. This time I couldn't have him leave because I needed help with the baby (I couldn't bend over to take care of him because my back) and I couldn't drive away because of my back. I called the cops to calm him down.
According to him he was calm by then, but I'm not positive.
My dad is a screamer, so my mom doesn't really take issue with my husband's behavior.
During our discussion last night. He says the way I express anger is just as bad as his. I…don't agree. There are some things I could do better, absolutely. But screaming and putting me down feels like a bully tactic. He says I won't have a conversation with him and just walk away when the conversation isn't benefiting me. I just don't see the point in wasting my time when he's clearly not open to hearing what I say.
We do have a couple's therapist, who we like, but lately my husband has felt unheard and like we gang up on him. Most conversations haven't been productive.
So my question is….am I handling anger inappropriately? Is there a better way to do it? How do I get my husband to stop screaming at me and calling me names? Especially in front of our kids. Thank you.