To start off, I married Husband (30M) early last year but we've been together 6 years. This is his brother. His brother is married to SIL (31F) and they have two daughters (5 & 3). We have one daughter (18m).
I hope this doesn't get removed for the kids ages because it's not really about them or anything they did, just the adults. They're just brought up for context.
What happened:
We set up a swim day with my mom (67F) at a rented pool back in August. We invited Husband's mom (67F) and she asked to bring 5-year-old Niece and great-grandmother (90s).
While our daughter and all the 60yos were out of the pool, Niece said something inappropriate. We gently corrected with a "we don't say that" and tried to move on. 90yo left the pool so now it's me, husband, and niece in the pool.
Niece says she wants to hurt my feelings because I hurt hers. I try to ask how I hurt her feelings and what I did but she won't talk to me. (We found out later it was because of the gentle scold.) She is now in the deep end of the pool when husband tries to talk to her. She still refuses to speak and has now covered her ears. He tries to tell her that's not safe and what if someone has to give her instructions. She doesn't care. He offers if she wants a snack or drink break, says we can move on and keep swimming but she needs to uncover her ears to stay in the pool. Without saying anything she swims over to the ladder and climbs out. This is the point where MIL gets involved. They end up leaving early because Niece wants to but her & my husband do make up before they go.
Convo with BIL & SIL:
People in the family have kept things from them in the past about Niece's behavior so we decide to tell them a little later when we have a moment. Convo seems to go fine with SIL. We go to sleep. Next morning BIL chimes in about how we should have deferred to the person in charge of Niece. (MIL who didn't step in until the situation was over.) He also mentioned how he & SIL follow rules for their niblings on her side even if they don't agree so they can "keep the relationship."
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We never said we disagreed. In fact I thanked SIL for helping me understand Niece better.
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I'm not going to post his exact message here but the "keeping the relationship" part sounded like a veiled threat to cut us out of our nieces lives, even though we didn't do anything that went against their advice.
Husband responds telling them that we shared some of the responsibility of Niece's care as we 1) orchestrated the event, 2) were the only ones in the pool with her, and 3) were the youngest and fittest adults there. If she ended up physically in danger we would be the ones to have to save her.
BIL responded with a "that was not our understanding and will be avoiding any future such arrangements."
My husband wished them a good trip because they were out of town and no one has responded since. Husband and I are mad because we haven't done anything to come off as irresponsible. We have a child of our own who is thriving. It feels like because Husband is the younger brother, BIL is letting that cloud his judgment. Or maybe because our daughter is younger than theirs they think we don't know enough. Idk.
The thing is that he said he would be avoiding any arrangements where we would be responsible for his kids but:
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At our baby shower, my husband was the one to stop one of their kids from leaving the building because no one else was watching her.
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At our daughter's birthday, 3yo got upset she couldn't open presents and my husband was the one to comfort her and offer a compromise.
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I spent several hours crafting with just me & 5yo. We made pictures and played with sand. I made dinner and we watched some Bluey. No problems there.
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In the past, I have been the one to watch 5yo & our daughter play to make sure they stayed safe.
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Later that month (still August 2025), we (minus my husband) were at a birthday party together and I was the only one watching all three girls play together in a kiddie pool.
If we weren't trustworthy, then why do they keep leaving us to watch or take care of their kids alone?
Anyway, I've kept things friendly with SIL to keep the door of communication open, but otherwise we haven't talked to each other. They were supposed to join us at a public pool for the last swim of the season. That didn't happen. We were supposed to have monthly play dates for all 3 girls and those stopped. They don't seem to think anything is wrong but we are still deeply hurt.
How do we/I talk to him about this, especially after all this time (like a month and a half)? I don't want to burn bridges. The rest of the extended family is really close and I don't want to end up the ostracized ones.