A few years ago I was in an abusive relationship. Eventually my body said no and I went from being able to get aroused and hard very easily to not being able to have sex at all. After the relationship ended my body no longer associated a hot naked partner with pleasure.
Most of my partners since then haven’t been very reciprocal, which makes penetration feel like my only chance at pleasure. So penetration becomes this really high stakes moment for me and I often lose my erection when it's time to put on the condom. I usually keep going and focus on their pleasure because it's hot and because why shouldn't they feel good if I can't? But each time I do it, it reinforces that sex is not something that feels good for me, but something I do for others. So it's getting harder and harder to get erections
At this point I'm starting to dread sex a bit, because I'm afraid the above will get worse. I’ve always loved giving, but now it reminds me of what I can’t have myself. I don't want to stop enjoying it and I don't want to start feeling resentful.
Has anyone else gone through something like this or just has any suggestions on how I can fix this?