I'm feeling really lost here lately and I need some non-judgemental and hopefully helpful advice. My bf and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now, our relationship is pretty good. We met each other right after some really trying times in both of our lives and he really restored my faith in men. I cannot stress enough that regardless of what im about to say, he has done nothing wrong and is a great person.
I got exposed to sex at a really young age and I guess it made me very hypersexual. As a teenager I had a really bad porn addiction until about the age of 20-21. From ages 15-22 I was with a man who basically used me as a walking flashlight whether I wanted it or not. I unfortunately did not recognize the toxicity of this at the time but after a divorce and a lot of therapy I realize how bad it really was. At the time I thought because I was getting off too that it wasn't a problem.
After leaving my ex (and losing like 70lbs all at once) I went through a phase where I just had a lot of sex with a lot of people. Then I met my current bf, even at the beginning of the relationship we had multiple times a week sometimes more than once a day. Slowly over the last 4 years my drive has died, I thought it was weight gain (gained back 30, currently lost 40 of it as of writing), my hormones since I have PCOS, I even changed anti-depressants. Slowly my slow drive turned into little drive, we only have sex a couple times a month. Then all the sudden this past year, its turned to disgust. I hate having sex, I hate how I feel during it, I hate the feeling of being lusted after, I hate the whole thing. Sex is a love language for my bf and he has been very understanding that I dont have much of a drive anymore, I have sex occasionally to satiate his need but he doesn't know how much I really hate it. And again it has nothing to do with him, I dont find him unattractive, I love him very much, so what's wrong with me? Why do i have to grit my teeth and wait for it to be over now when my whole life its never been a problem? I dont dislike orgasms but I hate having to get there.
Im too the point now where I dont think I can fake how much I hate it now. But how do you look at someone and tell them you dont want to have sex anymore and not hurt them and make them question if you really love them, or make them feel unattractive.
Im just really lost and depressed, im not sure what to do or feel anymore. Any and all advice is welcomed, just please be constructive.