Matched with this guy. I talk to him for only three days. This guy noticed that I like flowers from my pics and he asked to send me some. I was at work at the time.
I work at a fairly big organization where our building is secure along with the parking structure and we have security the whole bit so I donʻt mind, if Iʻm just getting to know someone, giving them that address if theyʻd like to send me some. I think it's a really kind and sweet gesture.
This day I was busy and I didnʻt get a chance to read my texts until after my shift. I had already finished work, so I responded to his text where to send the flowers which was my work address. Since it was like 5pm, after my shift, he asked if he could send it to my apartment instead. I told him no thanks and I offered that if heʻd like he can send me the flowers to the address I shared with him the next day. No biggie right?
The night before we had talked on the phone and I expressed how I like to take things slow with people as Iʻve had unsafe interactions with men in my life. Like Iʻm talking about unprovoked scary things with strangers that are men. Iʻve been followed home before after getting groceries by guys trying to ask for my number. Once a guy who lived in a building next to me started stalking me and showing up to my apartment. I didnʻt even know how he got into the building. I almost had to move. Just random very unsafe things.
Anyways, so because of these random interactions that Iʻve had with complete strangers, MEN, throughout my life, when it comes to dating Iʻm just more aware of the dangers that can happen to me. I have great friends and family who look out for me and care about me. My close friends and have family have witnessed things like that happen too when theyʻre with me. I even share my location with them all just so that they know where Iʻm at and that Iʻm safe. Just all the precautionary things.
I didnʻt tell him all of that, but after saying no itʻs okay I donʻt feel comfortable giving him my address and that Iʻve had stalkers before. He tries to reassure me that heʻs clearly not a stalker and to just give him my address. I politely decline, again.
This guy asked me a third time for my address after I tell him no and that I simply donʻt feel comfortable. After the third time he asked me for it I just told him that I donʻt think weʻre a match and I wished him the best of luck. We had a date planned too for Sunday, but that was clearly out of the picture for me.
Itʻs just so confusing to me on why the fuck this guy would think after I told him no to giving him something so personal as my address and him being a complete stranger he would ask me why? Why that I didnʻt think we were a match?
He called and texted the following day asking for feedback and then after sharing that I wasnʻt comfortable he apologized and said he realized he overstepped a boundary. Asked for my forgiveness then proceeds to ask me to give him another chance. I told him I forgive him and still wished him the best of luck.
Like hell to the fuck no! Iʻm not going to go on a date with a man that I clearly communicated to NO several times to giving my personal information like my address after three days of talking to. Why would I potentially put myself in danger on a whole ass date after NOT respecting me?! If he canʻt accept me saying no to that what other boundaries of mine will he not take seriously? Are you fucking crazy?!
Anyways, stay safe out there ladies! Also you are not crazy for using your discernment in situations like these and for putting your safety first! Iʻm rooting for yall!
36 comments
yea something isn’t right with that guy for insisting 🤨
Never give any address to a match you haven’t met, including work or school address, your gym, etc. This is basic internet safety. Meet only in public places with a lot of other people around
Yes, for some reason there are so many creeps and such men all over the world. You did right thing unmatching him and cancelling any plans. In future, I would advise not to give even company address and if possible even company name, because if a man is true stalker, he could find you just by knowing company (representives /employee lists), that’s a basic cyber hygene. At least until you verified him, and met him enough times to feel safe and sure that he is what he claims to be. True man who doesn’t have any malicious intents will hear “no” as “No” when you say it first time. If a man doesn’t hear “no” and takes as “maybe” or anything else then “no”, that’s a blinking to shining red light. Please be safe and take care.
Honestly, say no to gifts until you get to know them. Wtf are they sending you gifts beforehand? They can give it to you on the date.
Some people just don’t know basic social norms/ethics not because they have bad intentions but because social norms are difficult for them (some people on the spectrum who appear perfectly normal but are on the spectrum and struggle a little with social cues and norms).
I’m sorry that happened. Nobody should have to go through being scared for their safety in any instance.
Not all men, but always a man.
All your defense systems are go! Good work.
A man’s no ends a discussion, a woman’s no is the beginning of a negotiation.
I’m so f-ing tired.
So many ppl are just outright defensive for no reason, it’s pathetic. Like it’s not all about you, stop forcing things. A no is a no
You did the right thing. If someone can’t take a “NO” the first time gracefully over an address they are going to completely ignore a “NO” for sex. However, having dealt with stalkers I would advise you don’t give out your work address either. Just decline flowers & gifts until you’ve established a relationship. Even though you work in a secure environment, at some point you have to arrive and go home. Stalkers will patiently watch everyone who enters and leaves every day until they know what car you drive and the license number. With that they can go to the dark web and find your home address. If that’s where your car is registered to.
Stalkers can be far more patient, resourceful and relentless than you’re giving them credit for. I worked with someone years ago who was abusing his wife and they had separated. He didn’t know where she was living or working. He picked up a hint about her work shared innocently and unknowingly by the wife’s sister from a conversation about a late payment. He set up a game camera (for capturing images of animals in the woods) discreetly where it would record the faces of people as they used their security badge to open the gate and enter the parking lot of the targeted company. Every day he would exchange that day’s SD card with a fresh one on his way home from work. Overnight, he would scroll through the images and wipe the card to exchange it the next day. After about a week the batteries had to be changed and he had not seen his wife in any of the images. So he gave up.
It turned out eventually his wife had a high school friend who worked at the company the husband was watching. The friend had offered to try to get the wife a job. You can’t depend on friends and family not to mess up and reveal something that could be used against you. In this case the wife probably literally dodged a bullet in that situation.
TLDR version of this is: date asked for address, I provided work address despite having history and evidence that this is likely not the safest thing to do. date kept asking for address, I continued to engage with date.
Save yourself, girl. So many flags here…. Don’t give any personal, work, etc addresses before you even meet someone. If the person is insistent, stop engaging with them. Practice general safety. It’s not just about men being bad/you having some history. I’m not blaming you – it’s hard to unlearn our own behaviors that aren’t protecting us. I’ve been there. Take care of yourself.
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Dude sounds exactly like a stalker. I’m a guy and I wouldn’t give my address to random women I barely know either, heck some of my former friends and acquaintances don’t know where I stay. It’s something anyone who isn’t a stalker would understand.
I agree that guys can be more dense about that stuff but dude was trying way to hard to learn where you live for it to be unintentional. In glad you had enough wisdom to dodge that bullet. Who knows what dudes plan was. And even if he wasn’t, people who don’t take ‘no’ well aren’t the kind of folk you want to spend energy on
Best of luck with others, great intuition on your part.
Weird to want to send someone flowers after just talking for a couple of days. The rest, I dunno.
In my country everyones adress and phonenumber and birthday and the size of their home and some other stuff are all available for free for the public on several different websites with databases, and can be found in seconds by anyone doing a quick search on google. So knowing things like without even having asked about it is just normal to me.
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He now knows your name and place of work and that scares me far more than him constantly asking for your address. 😬
As a man, sorry you dealt with this. We aren’t all psycho. That’s a shitty thing to do to you. You deserve and will find better.
I’ve learned not to give out any addresses or phone numbers, social media accounts, etc. Some men on the internet gaslight me, criticize me for not providing my details, and say my behavior is strange🤷♀️
You’re absolutely right to be cautious of strangers. I had a stalker situation 42 years ago & unfortunately the affect it had on me lasted through my life. Not going into details, it’s your story, and although I was able to have some normal lasting relationships in spite of it, I never forgot the trauma of having someone show up in my office threatening me with a gun. And today it’s SO much worse. You really have know someone well before you give up too much about yourself. If they can’t understand it & are too persistent, then that’s huge red flag to let them go.. If they are so pushy that early on they’re only going to get worse. You did the right thing.
It is actually appalling how many people still seem to not understand the basic concept that NO MEANS NO. It doesn’t mean try harder or ask again a different way – it means NO. Period.
Good for you girl, you dodged a bullet there.
I am a guy and I would never give out my address to someone I haven’t met. Having been stalked, I am not particularly comfortable giving out my address period.
I completely agree that many fewer men will understand.
So weird he asked for your address!
Wowwww, glad you stuck to your guns, good for you!! Some men just dont get it until you make a point.
I met a guy on an app who went off on me because I said I wanted to meet him at the date rather than him picking me up at home? He couldn’t believe it or understand why and told me I had made him feel disgusting… I told him he was completely ignorant to the dangers that women face. He eventually heard me out but never apologized and I never spoke to him again. Like…what? Why are they so shocked we dont want to just give that out lol.
Even sharing something as basic as your phone number is a problem, i convinced my cousin to get on a dating app and gave her all the basic safety rules.
Despite this, she went ahead and gave her WhatsApp to a few guys she matched. Needless to say, she got herself an idiot whom the moment she blocks creates a whole new number to send her offending messages and calls late at night.
This is probably the best case scenario, i had a stalker try to cut my face because i didn’t want to date him, flowers or small gestures is not worth the hell they put you through.
Guys who understand safety DO NOT push, it’s a red flag all by itself.
You absolutely did the right thing and can be proud of yourself for not giving in about your safety. I’m sorry you made these horrible experiences.
I don’t speak for everyone but I do understand how fucked up the environment is. My mother raised me to be mindful of how women feel and how scary it is.
That being said this guy was giving off serial killer vibes you don’t ask someone you barely know for their address.
First, I’m sorry you’ve had these negative experiences with men either making you feel unsafe or at least not trying to understand why you feel unsafe.
Unfortunately based on reality we’ll never be able to understand from a first person experience, the closest a guy will often get is to have a daughter and wear his heart on his sleeve. However don’t let that and your bad previous experiences with men jade you into thinking that no man can understand from an external perspective.
I’m currently dating a woman who previously experienced SA and stalking and had to move because of the event. I think I’ve been very appropriate in how I’ve handled her past trauma and she’s given me feedback that I’ve handled it very well with patience and understanding. The problem is because of that trauma we’ve only been on 6 dates in 6 months and I still don’t know where she lives and we haven’t been intimate. At this point she feels more like a friend than a romantic interest. I’ve been honest with her about how I’ve been feeling about the pace and the timeline and she’s apologized for her lack of trust, which I completely understand why it exists. I just don’t know how either of us get past that stage. Life is complicated, and blame doesn’t necessarily help in most scenarios
Respecting ‘no’ is the minimum entry fee for dating, not a perk. If a man fumbles that, he is telling you everything about his future boundaries. Flowers aren’t sweet if they come with pressure; they’re just red flags dressed up in petals.
What a creep!!! Glad you listened to your gut and never gave him your address. Meeting up with a stranger (man) indeed sounds so scary. I’m glad you’re being careful and that you told him basically to fuck off. And I agree, if he won’t take no for an answer regarding the address, what other things will he force you to do? Let’s stay safe and on the look out.
I used to have a roommate who legit would go on bumble dates and the guys would pick her up at our place. Now that I think about it, it’s messed up. Bc I lived there too lol
I quit dating entirely because no matter what, every single guy does something non-consensual at some point, and I’m done being violated. Done.
you need to set some ground rules with yourself about what information you’ll share from the get go. Absolutely no real addresses, real phone number, email addresses, social media until you have verified this person is not a psychopath. I was talking to a friend about online dating the other day, and she said that she does video chats with people before meeting up with them in person in order to not waste anyone’s time, and the ones that are worth it say yes, and the other ones filter themselves out. Do that to vet the person
Most men are not serial killers, but most serial killers are men. You’re going to self select for serial killers by giving out your address to men you’ve never met before. Don’t make yourself a target.
In order to avoid making yourself a target in other ways, like for men that are domestic abusers, I would recommend going to therapy to figure out what makes you attractive to people like that. Or just do some reading on the topic if you can’t afford therapy.
Ugh that’s so scary, I’m glad you trusted your gut. The fact that he kept pushing after you said no multiple times is already a huge red flag. You did everything right, seriously. Never apologize for protecting yourself 💕
It’s similar to a black man trying to be respectful when a police officer stops him an and it immediately feels like an unspoken accusation.
Unless he’s completely dumb he understands but doesn’t care. If you met in real life he would definitely not listen to a No. good riddance.
Forget about that creep and don’t let him make you feel guilty for having (reasonable!!) boundaries 💕💕💕💕💕
M34, I think you did well.
That’s how I would like my daughter to behave someday 😉 best of luck and stay safe out there
You do realize that the words man and woman are not from the same root words? It’s a coincidence that woman contains man in the word. It’s not a conspiracy to oppress you. So spelling a word wrong to make yourself feel good is pointless.