This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
42 comments
Went to the bar as a DD for some friends a couple of months back and a girl there pretty much forced her number on me, she joined our group and we clicked really well. Asked her if she wanted to leave with us and she played it off cool with a soft rejection saying we only just met.
No worries, I wouldn’t leave with strangers either. We start texting and have been going out 2-3 times a week for about two months now. She wants to take things slow (physically speaking) and I was fine about that….until today.
Found out today after we left she went home with a random guy for a ONS, she told me this thinking it was a funny story, but I’ve lost all attraction at this point. Most we’ve done is hugging and hand holding, I thought she had some previous trauma that she was working through, nope, I’m just great on paper and a safe guy.
Thinking how I’m going to frame I’m not interested in pursuing anything with her anymore, not trying to shame her, but yeah..not for me.
I just want to say that I love the few close friends that I have who would spend their quality time with meeeee. I realise how lucky I am to have found people that truly enjoy my company and I, theirs. Besides dating this 34M, who’s been really sweet and caring towards my well-being (early days, 3rd week of us knowing each other), but he’s been very consistent in showing me that he’s pursuing me and texting me here and there every day since we connected. It makes me feel good. Some men are so incredibly clingy and I don’t like that at all, while some men would take a long time like a couple of days, just to respond to a text. Neither of which that I like, but this time around, it just feels like a good match for my energy. It feels so assuring.
We are baking brownies this Saturday and will spend the whole day together. We talked about reading a book together in the afternoon, so I do look forward to cosy autumn days like this with him. I like that he’s proactive at making plans for us together. In the past, I’ve always felt like I had to drive the conversation/ activities so I got so used to men being on the backseat but getting to know someone who’s really interested and take the initiative to make plans and help me with the mental load feels so refreshing. I always feel like he’s good at making sure that my needs are taken care of. It’s been a good sign so far. I’m hoping for the best for this budding connection. I know that we are both not seeing other people. Because we talked about it last night. It made me happy. 🙂
We have already made plans to see each other again next Tuesday when I’m done with bouldering with friends… I kinda like the fact that he made plans ahead with me. It shows to an extent that he knows we will have a good time together. It’s been a nice feeling, getting to know him better each time we meet. He asks questions about me as well to understand me better.. I see his effort and I tell him that I appreciate it so much. I know I feel seen. 🙂 I’m just happy and I’m gonna try to not let my fear of a heartbreak get in the way of this. I’m done trying to self sabotage right now. He clearly shows me that he’s really interested and does his best in actions to make sure I feel safe and assured. What more do I want. I want to tell myself to stop looking for shit to pick on and really choose the path of happiness this time around.
I want to get closer with my girlfriend (as in, relationship-wise) but not really sure how. At close to 6 months, while things are going decently well I feel like I also want to progress.
This isn’t unique to this relationship. In my one other previous romantic relationship, and with my friends and family in general, I never really form close relationships. It’s been a topic of discussion in therapy. I might be holding myself back (my inner thoughts and feelings) out of a fear of losing people.
If I talk about this with my girlfriend, how do I bring it up?
How do you multi-date? I (42M) don’t love chatting with multiple women on the aps, but its how things are done. But what do you do if you like M, but she’s lukewarm on you. Z seems like great friend material, but it will take a while for attraction to grow (if it ever does).
If Z didn’t exist, I’d be stoked just to let things ride with M for a while, which is how I’m behaving towards M. If M didn’t exist, I’d tell Z that I think she’s really cool and ask if she’d be willing to hang out as friends and see if anything develops, which is how I’m behaving towards Z. I’m driving near M’s place this weekend for a work thing and we plan to get coffee. Then in the evening, Z and I are going to a party at a mutual friend’s house as friends.
I prefer to be friends first anyway (demi) so in theory this all makes sense. But it just seems weird not to be honest. Like, both of them know about the party and the work thing, but neither know about each other, so when I tell them about the events, I’ll be withholding a bit that I wouldn’t withhold to a friend. And it just feels weird. Is it normal?
Got back into dating early August for the first time since coming out of a LTR in April 2022. VERY anxious to get back into it all but good things don’t come to those who wait etc. Met a lovely guy at an event, lots in common, asked me out, went on four dates, slept together date four. After second date we started chatting multiple times a day including whilst he was on holiday for 9 days.
Whilst away he flagged he had a health appointment the day after he’d get home and that this would likely be heavy and throw him off for a few days and so could he get back to me about when we next meet up. No problem, I said. Daily good chats continued.
Day of his appointment I didn’t hear anything. Unusual for him but fine, he’d already flagged the circumstances. I sent him a supportive message. Following day I eventually hear from him but he was very withdrawn. Said the appointment was for mental health (we both have ADHD so we’d already been very open about such things) and that he was processing a lot, it gave him worry for the future as well as explaining some of his past. Day after that I asked how he was and if he felt up to meeting that weekend (we’d not seen each other for 2 weeks). Said he felt overwhelmed still. I said I sympathised and that he could talk more if that helped but no pressure.
He seemed to bounce back a bit in the coming days (making occasional jokes, bringing up light hearted conversation topics) but nowhere near as chatty as before. Fast forwarded to present day, 2 weeks after his appointment and almost a month since we last met. He’s not said anything about wanting to meet up. Now haven’t heard from him in four days – longest gap we’ve had. Last he said was some light chat and questions about a hobby we share plus a message saying he was sorry he’d been rubbish at messaging lately and was doing a lot of questioning and trying not to ruminate. I replied two days later with some light chat, sympathy and a gentle message saying I really like him and would like to see him again but I wasn’t sure how he was feeling, if he needed more space/time etc. and if possible could he let me know.
I’m so confused! I can’t work out if this is a legit mental health blip that he’s not sure how to fully communicate or if it started that way but now his interest in me has faded since we’ve not seen each other in a month and our message exchanges are far shorter and he doesn’t know how to tell me this. Obviously I can’t force anything but I’m utterly perplexed (and a bit hurt).
Had two wonderful dates with a guy. Really wonderful. Then on our third date there was a bit of a disagreement, not exactly an argument – he suggested a plan for our next date that I thought was a joke, so I burst out laughing, and he seemed mildly offended even after I apologised. He’s been acting distant since.
We were supposed to meet again tomorrow, I even got us tickets for an event, but he waited until the last minute to tell me he won’t be able to attend. I told him I was okay with that and that I’d bring my friend instead (I had an inkling that he didn’t plan to come so I kinda had invited my friend already), and that prompted an even colder response? He’s now suggesting that we meet after the event so I really don’t know what to think about it. I feel like I almost lost the feelings I’d caught in our previous dates so maybe I should move on, but I also have half a mind to see him again and see if we can still clear the air and find the spark again? Hoping for advice from the DOT community!
I (42M) tend to be a bit of a music snob, but try to let things go on dating aps. Can anyone who’s more normie confirm for me that listening to Drake, Ye, and/or Morgan Wallen are beige flags. Like, if I see them in the Bumble spotify feature, am I right to be suss. And if they are mentioned or there is a photo from their concert in the profile, its a major issue, right? I think Ye is universally understood to be problematic, but in semi-rural white New England, there are so many Wallen fans and I’m like, really? Is his obnoxity not well known?
Would love input from anyone dating in my demographic. I’m (31F, bi) making a profile for the first time in years and this time I’m tempted to go the route of more casual pictures rather than the best photos I have of myself. They’re still good quality photos featuring interesting activities but more goofy outtake vibes vs looking as good as possible, which is a more typical set of pics that I feel conveys less of my personality. Save personality for the prompts and try to be pretty first and foremost, or have more fun pics that sell my vibe over my appearance? I’d have my first pic be a good smiling headshot regardless.
I’m going to take a break from beating my head against this dating wall. When I feel like other areas of my life are on cruise control I’ll be more active with dating again.
Fall is here and I have lots of yardwork to do getting the beds ready for winter (and plants are much more agreeable than strangers and ex’s).
So I went for the dinner with strangers thing in my city and it was surprisingly so fun. I am not currently dating, but I am happy to meet new people from outside of my standard circle. Everyone seemed really put together and attractive, well dressed. It was nicely balanced and the conversation flew. Food was great too. I am gonna keep going from time to time!
I never really feel like service people are flirting with me but there’s a coffee shop I go to every couple weeks on my walk to work, and the last two times there has been one barista who just makes me feel like… damn what is happening. I don’t know what it is, I haven’t made any conversation with him, maybe it’s just something in the eye contact. I don’t know if I’m imagining it but I don’t tend to randomly feel this way often.
It’s interesting to observe myself though because, even though he is absolutely attractive, my main instinct is to be like “run away never come back to this coffee shop again,” what is that about?
How do you tell if a guy is into you and being respectful vs just being friendly? He’s late 40s, we met through a shared hobby, and I’m getting some mixed signals – long hugs, lots of heart reacts on my messages, talking frequently, calling me sweet, asking me to braid his hair, but then he sits across the room from me when I’m at his place and we wind up discussing his sordid dating history.
Our hobby has an unfortunate reputation of guys being creepy and crossing boundaries, and he’s a leader in our group, so I can imagine why he’d be really cautious. I think he also might see me as “innocent” or be afraid to hurt me because our histories are pretty different – he’s lived a wild life with lots of fighting and explosive relationships, while I come off as a quiet homebody. I really like him, I’m just not certain how he feels about me.
Out here feeling if I share too much I am going to Jinx it all 😭 but I’m also not sharing with my friends, so here is the only place.
Men drove 800KMs to see me and I didn’t even ask him or anything. His own decision, so today I had to work extra so that I can give him my undivided attention. I truly feel like I’m in my princess era 👑
Now I can’t wait to travel to his hometown in two weeks. Will be staying in a hotel because I’m not ready for parental meetings but will meet his friends though 🙂
Posted about this in here the other day, but am confirmed going to a funeral with my girlfriend on Saturday for a chosen family / family friend of hers.
My girlfriend is bringing flowers; should I bring flowers too? Is that too much? Is there something else I should bring? A card maybe? I really want to show up and support my girlfriend and the people she loves who are grieving, but I don’t want to come across as overly familiar. I don’t know anyone and I don’t want to come across as inauthentic by laying it on too thick.
Does any of this make sense? Do yall have any thoughts?
Man things are just not going well for me. I just learned today that somebody I managed when she was an intern just got a mega, mega senior role at another company. Like 3 levels above where I am, probably would take me 10 years to get to that level. She’s now the director of an entire branch of the company
She was great, we were friends when we worked at the same place and she helped me get a job when I got out of a poorly conceived stint in history grad school mid pandemic – I don’t resent her in the slightest. But it just puts into perspective how badly my own career has stalled out
I my dating and personal life were going better I wouldn’t feel as miserable, but of course it isn’t going well, hence the posting here. I’m comfortable and make fairly good money so I really can’t complain but here I am, complaining
my anniversary is on sunday so it’s fitting that this week he and i have been up against some difficult challenges and people. i feel so close to him and so aligned to this team, us as an impervious unit.
i’ve also all week been having dreams of him cheating on me, or being mean to me, or running away from me. and dreams of other people, past lovers or celebrities or fantasies, telling me they’re in love with me. i wake up every morning and say no!! i will not be confused or taken off my path!! i love my man and he loves me! this is the life i choose for myself !!!
I think one of the main reasons that I’m still single, is that I have a very difficult time making real meaningful connections. Not just in a romantic sense, but in general. I don’t relate to people much anymore.
I dont find most people interesting. I don’t want to hear about someones work, filling out paper work or attending meetings. Its dreadfully boring. People dont seem to have time for their own passions anymore, its just work, kids, pay bills, whatever. Miserable. Its nice that you enjoy hiking, but are we going to have a conversation about… trees? I don’t know.
On the flip side, I dont think people find my life very interesting either. I can drone on for hours about things that I enjoy, but I feel like my hobbies are also rather obscure (3d modeling, 3d printing, kitbashing, dioramas, building/painting miniatures etc) so the average person isn’t going to know or care much about them.
Basically… how do people work? I’m starting to think I might just be autistic.
It’s embarrassing that it still hurts this much being ghosted. I don’t worry that it’s my fault anymore. I don’t think this means I’ll die alone. And I am super aware it happens to everyone.
But a woman on Hinge agree to meet up and when I asked what her schedule was like, she waited 24 hours then unmatched. It really stings.
I want children, but I’m not one of these people who feels like having children is the end all be all.
I would be fine not having children if my life partner did not want children or we were unable to conceive.
I can’t say I’m a fence sitter because I definitely do want children, but it’s just not like central to my being or whatever is going on with some people.
Second date confirmed, it was hard to organize because they’re so busy doing cool things. They kept asking me what time worked for me, I’d pick a random time and they’d already have plans. After a few rounds of that I said they need to tell me when they’re free because basically anytime works for me. Did make me feel a bit boring in comparison but I cant be mad at them for having a life.
I would very much like us to kiss on this date. The energy was there on the first date but we both didn’t seize the pope tunty. I will be disappointed if this ends with no kiss, mostly with myself. I think taking that definitive step beyond friends will also making finding time in the calendar for a third date a little bit less of a chore.
Today someone I don’t see all that often asked me if I lost weight. Which I did, so I was happy to confirm it. It feels nice that people are noticing!
The American guy is coming up this weekend. I said I’d meet him but now I’m rethinking that. I don’t really want to hang out. I’ve already canceled on two others in the past couple weeks. I guess I really am depleted/drained with dating 🫥 I just want to stick with the people I already know.
Update on guy I felt the energy shift with. Sent me a long message about how he was waiting to say anything until he knew, but he’s realized he’s just not ready for a relationship (he’s divorced and I did have some fears of that.)
Most times when I’ve had things like this end (you know those almost-relationships) I’ve walked away sad but grateful that it’s a reminder I can still *have* feelings for someone. Because it’s so freaking rare that I even want to go on a second date with someone.
But this feels more depressing than that. Because he was TOO perfect, probably out of my league. And I feel like it’s set an impossible new standard going forward.
He’s gorgeous, ambitious, intelligent, compassionate, generous, and patient. I don’t know if I’ve EVER felt that attracted to someone I was dating before. The chemistry was insane but he also just made me feel seen and comfortable. Up until this week, my normally anxious self felt so secure with him.
And I know he has flaws because he’s human… but we didn’t get to the point where I got to SEE any of them. Which almost makes it harder to get over than if we had a long relationship where I saw his bad side and things gradually deteriorated.
I’m almost upset that he was so sweet and respectful in his rejection message because I’m just left with this feeling that he could have been the one if it weren’t for the timing. I just feel this sense of loss for something that might have been and fear that if it took me 35 years to feel this way, what are the chances I’ll feel it again?
Ugh shared with a friend the complaint about the ghosting and they said that it probably just felt more safe than rejecting me…which is such a load of horseshit. That’s true if we had met in some way, but we’d exchanged a handful of messages and she’d agree to go on a date…it was laziness pure and simple and I’m tired of bad behavior being justified.
The tattoo studio I go to posted an IG video from their summer event, which I didn’t go to but according to the video, my ex did.
I miss him so much and hate admitting it. We really didn’t date for a long time (3 months) but I miss him an incredible amount. I just want to reach out and reconnect
I feel like if I see him back on Hinge (he deleted his profile when we were together) I have to reach out. I don’t know if that’s wise or not but this other reality is so painful.
A lil confirmation & reminder that the whole “if he wanted to, he would” thing is 1000% accurate – I just found out the guy I dated at the start of the year who became “too busy to date me” (despite us living 2 miles apart) is now in a relationship with someone who lives *150 miles* away. You couldn’t write it 😅
Went on 5 dates with this girl and it couldn’t have been better. Honestly thought I’d hit the jackpot with her. Tonight she sends me a message saying she doesn’t want to see me anymore due to a lack of romantic connection. I never felt this at all, in fact I thought it was the opposite. We seemed to have a great connection. Feel completely deflated and defeated by this. It took me a long time to build the confidence to start dating again and now I’m back at square one. Such an overbearing sense of hopelessness
Second hinge date this week that cancelled on me the day of. Maybe it’s bad luck, maybe it’s me, but it’s super frustrating to do all the planning, block/rearrange my schedule, feel anxious for a few days, and then have it all be for nothing. I just came back from a really awesome weekend trip but I guess I didn’t get to ride those good vibes for long 🙃
I have another one booked for sunday, trying really hard to keep a positive attitude and not carry these feelings with me on to the next person.
Only dating-related in a backwards way: what’s a good way to say to a new friend “you know I’m straight, right?” Thought I made a new friend, but he’s recently said some fairly overtly flirty stuff, which has continued after I made an off-hand reference to going out looking to meet women. I am pretty used to fending off eager gay dudes in person but I did not think anything about this guy’s sexuality and just thought he wanted to be friends. Also this sucks, I was happy to make a new friend 🙁
No [update on this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1nvanag/comment/nhacloj/?context=3)…yet? IDK have already assumed maybe he wasn’t interested in some shape or form. If I see him before my last day, I’ll still be friendly.
Today while at the same park I met the other dude at, another dude struck up a convo with me about my book and asked me out at the end of the convo. I’m not sure how much we’ll have in common but I liked his confidence and found him attractive. Gave him my number, we shall see if he texts.
Things are getting worse and worse in the US. Dating was already terrible what are we supposed to do when it gets even more fucked up?
I was all set to write a saltier comment, but then my latest match responded back to my opener with a nice message. Not that there isn’t a host of reasons why this wont even lead to a coffee date, let alone anything beyond that, but it’s a reminder that every day and every interaction brings fresh hope.
It’s been an extra tough year for me though. In the last six months, I’ve learned that my last serious girlfriend got married to the next guy she dated and my most serious girlfriend passed away. I don’t regret either of those relationships ending and I grew as a person because of them, but…WOW, that’s been a lot to process and my current dry spell hasn’t helped.
I think I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may remain single for good. There aren’t any events I want to go to, I don’t have any friends I can ask to set me up, the woman who was running the singles group I was a member of hasn’t done anything for months and my job is too highly paid to just up and leave the small town I live in (when I started this new job six months ago I literally doubled my salary) so I’m feeling pretty stuck. It could be worse though, at least I’m not struggling financially.
Is it just bad luck on my part lately, or is the Hinge algorithm now pushing people who are more popular on the app overall rather than people who are similar to who you’ve previously swiped yes on? I feel like something shifted in the algorithm but maybe I’m just imagining it.
I’m completely single for the first time in almost eight years (as opposed to just being “technically single”). I’m proud of myself for doing the hard thing, but now I need to challenge myself to not immediately look for the next person. At some point I’ll have to start looking again (ugh, I hate the early stages of dating and meeting new people), but for now I’m going to try to let myself just be completely alone.
I’m having a hard time shaking off the blahs after yet another conversation flat-lining. Like not even making it to meeting each other. Just one first date is all I’m asking at this point. Why is this so freaking hard?? 🥲
Not related to dating, but does anyone make new friends at this age?
I’m out there, I do stuff. Mountain biking, pickleball, snowboarding in the winter. I go to the gym, I go to the library… It seems like everyone I meet, even just other guys, are coupled, so 90% of their free time is spent doing things with their significant other.
I have friends that I’ve known for years, but they have families or live out of state now, so I only see them a few times a year. Others have slowly drifted away for various reasons.
Maybe I need to put myself out there even more but it takes so much energy over just general day to day tasks.
I hate the fact that most of my adult life has been trying to heal from my awful childhood
Had a semi decent first date from an OLD. No crazy chemistry but no red flags either. Was very basic and quick. How do you decide if a second date is worth the time or do you just call it?
Technically 2nd date tomorrow at her house again for movies and making more art. First date was at her house (went to a swimming hole, made art, talked). Next day she helped me move (i don’t have a ton of stuff). Day after I met up with her at an event we were both attending with friends separetly.
She said her social battery is low from this week but she’s excited to just chill and hang out, it’s nice she already feels comfortable enough not to have to feel like she needs to “perform” or change up what she’s doing around me. Our first date was 8 hours and it flew by. I felt so comfortable with her right away, was not awkward at all, like we knew each other but we’d only texted/voice notes for maybe a week and not a crazy amount.
Her projector is outside and it’s getting chilly so I think we’ll finally have a chance to get close 🙂
Sometimes I ask myself if I’m settling for someone just because he doesn’t care that I’m trans or asexual, plus he’s cute and handsome as fuck, really smart, really kind, has a similar lifestyle to me, loves dogs, but has textbook avoidant attachment. It’s like I’m always going “pss pss pss” to a really handsome cat.
I’ve seen it stated and advised here a few times, “You’re not ready to date.” In the abstract, I understand this; applying it to the self, I don’t.
I’ve been deep on a track of self-reflection and, ideally, self-development. The more I do this, the more I realize like, “Wow, how did I not know that before? How have I been functioning without this knowledge?” Suddenly, the “why can’t I find dates?” becomes, “I understand why.” And that’s not a statement of self-loathing, it’s more like… This created a barrier, and I understand that now.
For people that have been through this at some phase of their life or another, when did you *know*? When was the point of like, “I’ve sufficiently sorted things out, I can get back out there”?
And, perhaps I’m afraid to ask… How many people are just coasting through life without ever figuring it out?