I’m a 25F just getting back into the dating scene after not talking or dating anyone for about a year now. Last “relationship” was hell and I got cheated on, but that’s a whole other story lol. Anyways, in the year I haven’t been dating, I’ve been going to therapy and finally trying to get my mental health in check (I have bipolar 2 but that’s also a whole different story). Genuinely, this past year has been one of the best years I’ve had. I have great friends that I see regularly, I have an amazing relationship with my family, and in general I’m just very happy.
I’ve always had a problem with having anxious attachment, or maybe it’s disorganized, I’m not sure. But in the beginning I go in with the mindset of “we’re just getting to know each other, don’t focus on if he likes you or not, focus on if YOU like him, don’t have tunnel vision and make your whole life revolve around him.” Somehow I still end up getting lost in the sauce and doing exactly that. This is one of the things I’ve been working on in therapy, and they told me having a full life outside of dating and devoting time to myself would help. So I was like, okay cool, I have that now. My life is already good without a relationship, and I don’t need one if this person isn’t a positive addition.
I’ve been seeing this guy 26M for a month now and I don’t know what’s going on. We met on Hinge and he’s introverted, kind of quiet, a little socially awkward in general, but I find that endearing in people. We initially bonded over Pokémon lol. At first, it was good. He initiated dates, we texted regularly, and he treated me well. We also did sleep together early on, and slept together everytime we saw eachother. I didn’t think it was a big deal since he continued asking me out and texting after, so I figured he was still genuinely interested.
He’s a very dry texter and dry in person too, which there’s nothing wrong with, but I’m a pretty expressive and friendly person. It definitely felt like I was putting in more effort to keep the conversations going. For example, I’d ask questions, he would answer, but not really ask anything back. I’d be expressive in texts, and he’d respond with a few words or just a sentence. Still, I figured maybe that was just his personality and kept giving it a chance.
But the more interest he showed, the more I lowered my guard and slipped into “omg does he like me, I need him to like me” and started focusing more on him than myself. I also noticed I started people-pleasing again, overthinking everything I said or did in case it affected his interest in me. It’s frustrating because I worked so hard to unlearn that.
This past week it felt like a switch flipped. We used to text every day, and now he hasn’t texted at all since our last date on Saturday night. To be fair, that date was a little off, he had a stomach ache and almost shit himself like four times, so it was definitely cut short. At one point I also asked if he was sleeping with other people. I meant it in a health way (because obviously, no one wants an STD), but maybe he took it as me trying to push exclusivity. I’m not sure if that freaked him out or embarrassed him.
I’ve asked my guy friends and got a few different theories: maybe he’s embarrassed about the stomach stuff, maybe the question about other people scared him off, maybe he “got what he wanted” after sleeping with me, or maybe he’s just genuinely busy with work.
I did end up texting him again because he has something of mine and I asked him to bring it to me. He said he would. But I think I’m more bothered and annoyed that I slipped back into my old mindset and habits. Its like more of an ego bruise than real heartbreak like “how could you not like me?” LOL
So I guess I have a couple questions. First, what do you think happened that made him suddenly switch up in the span of a few days? And second, how do I stop myself from losing sight of my mindset every time someone shows interest? I really thought I had grown past this but it feels like I default back into old patterns as soon as I start liking someone.
Any insight would help 🫶🫶