I (23f) have been dating my girlfriend (24f) for almost 2 years now. We broke up almost a year ago and got back together 4 months later. Ever since then, our relationship has been so much better. The built up resentment that lead to the breakup had subsided so we could continue on.
The last few months I have however been picking fights with her quite regularly and didn’t really know why. I always assumed it might be because I was dealing with a lot of stuff and I couldn’t regulate those emotions well. I am also a perfectionist person, I expect a lot of myself, but also from my surroundings. So without realising I always put a lot of pressure on my girlfriend as well. I did not realize this up until a week ago though.
Last week we had a big fight, about the things that have been going wrong lately. I almost thought she was breaking up with me again, but in the end we ended up choosing each other and saying we will work on it. I am really happy that my girlfriend talked about it to me and that we could decide to keep going when it was still possible. Contrary to last year when she didn’t tell me any of her frustrations leading to big fights and our breakup. So it was really necessary and in the end we had a really good talk. I ended up telling her my realisation and it really hurt her, because this pressure was something she didn’t know how to deal with too well. She said it broke her a little bit, but she also feels normal again now.
The fight made me insecure though, and pushed me in an anxious attachment style, (constantly needing reassurance) which I hate. Because I worked really hard to not be anymore. I think it is because the fight poked at the wound that the breakup had left behind as I am really scared she will change her mind and want to break up with me. I am really struggling with this, because she has explicitly said that she really wants to make this work, so it seems really dumb. I don’t want to constantly nag at her with my insecurities because that will only do more harm. Does anyone have any tips to be able to deal with this better? I really want to go back to being secure in this relationship.
TL;DR: Big fight with my partner poked the wound of our previous breakup leading to anxious feelings. In need for advice.