Hi everyone,
I really need an outside perspective because I feel completely lost right now.
For context: I (20M) have known this girl (21F) for about 5 years. We’ve always had a very close, complicated relationship. She went through a lot in her past (abusive ex, depression, PTSD), and I’ve always been there to support her. For a long time, I thought we would end up together – she was basically “my girl” even if it wasn’t official.
The problem: recently things got really messy. She said she loves me and sees a future with me, but also told me she isn’t ready for a relationship right now because she wants to work on her mental health. At the same time, she had some intimate moments with another male friend (“Markus” 22M), which hurt me deeply because we were about to make it official between us.
When I visited her, we had a very intense weekend together. We almost had sex, but she stopped because of her trauma. I respected her decision, but I still feel guilty for letting it get that far. I wanted to give her positive experiences, but now I worry I only added more confusion or pressure.
She keeps saying she loves me, but also says she’s overthinking, feels pressured, and sometimes compares me to this other guy. She even admitted she doesn’t know how to act with me anymore. Meanwhile, I feel torn apart – sometimes I want to give her space, sometimes I want to fight for her, and other times I feel like I should just walk away for my own sanity.
I’m struggling with extreme jealousy, guilt, and fear of losing her. I don’t want to overwhelm her with my emotions anymore, but at the same time I can’t just turn them off. I even lied to my parents to travel to see her, which makes me feel worse about everything.
I don’t know what I’m asking exactly. Maybe:
• How do I know if I’m in love or just emotionally dependent?
• How do I stop drowning in jealousy when she spends time with that other guy?
• Is it better to keep trying or should I let go before I completely break myself?
Any perspective from the outside would mean a lot right now. Thanks for reading this long mess.
⸻
TL;DR: Been close with a girl (21F) for 5 years, thought we’d become a couple. She says she loves me but isn’t ready for a relationship, while also being intimate with another guy. We almost had sex last weekend but stopped because of her trauma. Now I’m torn between wanting to fight for her, give her space, or walk away, while drowning in jealousy and guilt.