I've been married to my (50F) husband (53M) for 22 years. He has an extremely stressful job, although he is very successful at it. He has struggled with depression pretty much all of his adult life. He is on meds.
But that's about the extent of which he tries to manage the depression. It is out of control lately. Often he is just literally immobilized. He is having panic attacks that literally leave him not able to move because his limbs are numb. He gets nauseous. He's never attempted s**, but there is ideation. When he started meds, it was a huge victory, but he never would have done it if I didn't really push hard for it. In terms of other management techniques, he doesn't do much. I'm pretty sure he has an addiction to food and uses food to comfort himself. As a result, he's overweight and uses food as a coping mechanism. This is a big problem because it creates this cycle of self-loathing but he doesn't do anything to stop it. He used to enjoy running, and was a marathoner, but he's 53 and has bad knees and is overweight and uses that as an excuse to not be active, when he could alternatively swim, walk, do the elliptical, etc.
I've tried to get him to see a therapist regularly. I've printed out lists of people to call based on the profile of therpist he wants. I've called for him and made him appointments. He'll go a few times, then decide they don't mesh and doesn't go anymore. This has happened a good four or five times. He just won't stick with it, even though I bring it up all the time. I feel like seeing a therapist is like the number one thing he could do to help himself, but he just procrastinates or refuses to do it. And I am so sick of researching and making the appointments and paying the therapist bills only for him to give up.
All of this, and more, is incredibly frustrating to me. We have two teens, a boy and a girl. Our daughter has also struggled with severe mental illness (she's so much better now), and I worry all of the time about the bad example he is setting for her.
His depression also means the vast vast majority of the family obligations and work fall to me. I work full time. I also manage pretty much everything in our house, probably 90% of it. The only jobs he does consistently are a) edging the lawn (I mow half of the time) and b) oil changes (but only after I remind him a million times and our cars are overdue). For other household things, it is all me. The lawn fertilizing, watering, aeration, overseeding is me. Anything around the house is me. I will fix 99% of things that break down. My kids come to me when something breaks because "mom will fix it." If like a light fixture stops working, I change it out. I fix the plumbing issues. Oven burner burns out, I change it. I have figured out and fixed appliances more than I can count. Change the lightbulbs, furnace filters, carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. I pay all the bills, all of our savings, all of our investments. I am the one making the retirement and college savings plans. I take care of the insurance (life, homeowners, health, dental, cars). I clean 95% of the time. I don't think he has ever mopped the floors and maybe cleans bathrooms a couple of times a year. I make dinner every night. I do all of the grocery shopping. If anything needs to be contracted, it is me who calls, sets up appointments, meets the contractors for the bids, decides, and schedules afterward, am here when they work, and ensure the jobs are done and paid for after. I set up our car maintenance or mechanical problems to be fixed. I schedule our kids' doctors, dentist, orthodontist, flu shots, haircuts, get them ready for back to school, sign waivers, pay football and cheer fees, call in and pick up prescription orders. I'm literally looking back in my planner for the last few weeks on the things I've had to do to list them above. All while working full time. I pretty much always feel like I am a single parent or single homeowner. The mental and emotional labor is staggering to me sometimes. I genuinely worry about what would happen if I died. My husband would have absolutely no clue about our financial accounts or anything like that.
If I ask him to help out more, he would probably agree to it. It isn't like he refuses to do anything. But I'm just always worried it will be "too much" and it would cause him to have a mental breakdown or depressive episode and he ends up s**dal or with a panic attack, so I don't. Often, he stays away from home because he's too stressed out and needs to decompress. He will go out to our lake house instead, or stay in his office at work, or anything else to not come home because it is too stressful. So obviously i don't want to put more stress on him by asking him to help out more around the house when even being here makes him stressed and depressed.
I don't know what to do anymore. He is so hyper fixed on work, even though it causes him so much stress and anxiety. I hate his job sometimes but there is no way he would quit because he is so invested in it. He just normalizes the depression and anxiety and the immobilization that comes with it. Meanwhile, I am absolutely drowning, and I am afraid to push too hard to get him to do something about his depression (let alone give me some help around the house).
I think I could deal with all the household stuff IF I knew that he was taking some sort of action and getting the help he needs to get himself into a better, more stable, and healthier space. I don't know how to get him there. I feel like I'm begging for some sort of help.
TL;DR: Husband has crippling depression but wont' do anything about it, leaving me with an insane amount of physical, emotional, and mental labor in our relationship.