This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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28 comments

  1. I have been thinking about the large number of comments where people say conversation is not interesting. Has anyone here been to improv class? Did it help?

  3. I wonder how many people lurk here that are over 40? I find the datingoverforty sub a bit hard to relate to, can’t quite put my finger on why though…

    PS. also using this post as a test to see if I am allowed to post here, since my account is so new.

  4. Sat on the beach by myself. Didn’t bother anyone or try to draw attention to myself. Old guy nearby, like 100 m away, has to be at least in his sixties, came up to me.

    As an Asian female I know what this is about. I shook my head and said no when he stopped in front of me. He said “I can’t ask you for the time? You are so rude.”

    Oh please. You and I know what’s up. We are not at a friend’s party where it is the norm to socialize and small talk. You came into my space for a reason, uninvited and I’m not obligated to entertain.

  5. Anyone else allergic to people who don’t ask questions on the apps? I know I may be too picky/judgemental whatever but if out of 20 messages back and forth where I ask questions and try to make conversation you just answer my questions without any follow up and the only thing you can ask me is where I am from (it’s in my bio) then you’ve officially turned me off

    And I know some people are just bad at texting but idk get better.. or don’t try to meet people online I guess

  6. When the guy you’re dating who was upfront about being a workaholic and not being romantic is actually a workaholic and not romantic.

    Me: * shocked pikachu face *

  7. I downloaded hinge again to block my ex and make sure I don’t see him when I am actually ready to get back into dating. I got a like from someone almost immediately. His profile is entirely talking about how he just got out of prison and needs a place to stay 🫠

  8. I am trying to have a lot more fun and am trying to date casually but some of the characters I am meeting are really putting me off. I am quite a busy and successful woman in several ways and I know this can intimidate men because the sector I work in is very male-dominated. But if anyone has any tips on finding suitable FWB who arent going to waste my time or are just looking for rebound therapy via dating apps please share them with me.

  9. I’ve been trying to reflect on what my patterns are so I could try to change those patterns and maybe the outcome will be different. But I don’t actually know what the “bad” pattern is.

    Eg, I thought maybe the pattern was not being forward enough, so I’ve been trying to be more up front with my interest, ask guys out, do things to show I care. Doesn’t seem to lead anywhere other than me putting in one sided effort.

    Or, maybe the pattern is that I put *too much* effort in for people who aren’t showing interest. So then I try to cut that off and say ok, I won’t put in that effort if I’m not seeing signs that they also care. but then I’m like, what if they then think I’m not interested? Or I just end up not getting interest – people don’t engage. Etc.

  11. Date 2 was fantastic we spend 7 hours together and planned date 3. Who would have thought. Lots of texting in between. This is optimistic so far.

  12. Some days I feel optimistic and that things are going to work out for me, other days I feel like I’m going to be forever alone and my life is going to go downhill from here. Some days I don’t mind being alone, other days I feel so terribly lonely that it hurts. Some days I feel I need to stop dating and work on myself and the things that make me happy, other days I am in a huge panic that I’m going to be 35 this year and time is running out and I need to go on as many dates as possible. Some days I deeply regret the past and how I didn’t find a boyfriend at university and now have to filter through the crap or how I didn’t end up with X or Y because I would’ve been married now, other days I tell myself everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t have been ready then and this was the journey I’m supposed to take. Some days I desperately yearn for home, a husband, a family, a white picket fence, to belong, other days I value my freedom and want to move to Paris and drink good wine and dance to jazz music by the Seine and fuck it all because life is meaningless anyway.

    The warring duality is so exhausting.

  13. Starting to think I don’t ever want a serious relationship again (where things like moving in together happen). But I feel like this should change my criteria for what I want in a boyfriend, and lower my standards a bit. But I also don’t want to do that lol

  15. I’ve been separated for almost 14 months now. Our divorce should be finalized in about three weeks, but could be paused here if we wanted. Dating is, of course, not going well for me, and I have no one I am seeing right now.

    As of this week, my ex wants to “talk about trying again.” We have two small kids, so I would love for us to be a happy family, but this feels so emotionally destabilizing now when I have almost completely moved on. She’s an alcoholic (18 months sober), she cheated, she lied a lot, she is avoidant and a poor communicator, she has chronic fatigue and has been depressed for years, but she’s a loving and doting mother. I realize I listed all negatives here. Some small part of me still hopes that now that she is sober all of these other things would get addressed in time.

    It feels so risky for me to even be willing to be vulnerable with her again. I’m talking to my therapist later today.

  16. For brief context, I (29M) spent most of my twenties staying very busy in my career field, and spending all my personal time taking care of my parents. Nowadays, I’m doing decently well for myself, but I have no dating experience and I’d say, socially, I’m pretty timid and I’m still trying to figure out what I’m looking for. I know ‘everyone moves at their own pace’ but I still feel a bit behind in my social life.

    I’ve been talking with this woman (22F) we’ll call Ashley. I know it’s quite an age gap, but I’d say I’m not as emotionally mature as most in their late-20s/early-30s.

    I’m here because I’m wondering about the future of this relationship. We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, and have a lot of common interests, but there’s definitely some long-term differences. For instance, she’s religious, and has spoken about dating to marry and having children. I’d say I’m agnostic, and never thought of getting married or having kids.

    I’d say I’m open to the possibility of starting a family, I’m undecided, and I’m a bit unsure what I should do here. We’re not officially dating right now, but things are slowly moving in that direction.

    With that in mind, should I pursue the relationship any further to see how I might feel later on, or would I just be wasting her time?? I’m looking for advice, and I’d love to hear from anyone with similar experiences. Thanks!

  17. Recently came across Adrienne Everheart’s video about “How to break free from the trigger man you can’t forget”, and it hit me hard. The timing couldn’t be more perfect! It felt like a message from the Universe telling me to get my shits together because come one, it’s fucking ridiculous to still be stuck on a situationship that lasted far less time than the years I’ve spent obsessing over it. Adrienne said this about trigger man. “*[…] the trigger man locked onto them during a time of deep vulnerability. And that’s why you can’t stop wanting him because the craving really isn’t about him. It’s about your brain and your body chasing the memory of how he made you feel back then.”* And I think I finally get it now. He was my first love, but not just any first love. He showed up at a specific time where I was vulnerable. I had never been in a relationship before, and I was using casual sex as a placeholder for attention, trying to fill the emptiness left by an emotionally neglected childhood. Even if he didn’t give me a true sense of safety, he gave me a glimpse of what it felt like to be cared about. He was my first everything. There were perhaps more wounds than loving memories, like the time he treated me as if I were invisible in front of his mom, which left an emotional scar I’ll never forget nor forgive. Yet years later, whenever my mind is idle, it still drifts back to him, to the way he touched my heart in a way nobody else had ever touched.

    Now armed with this understanding of why he has such a hold on me, I hope I can finally break free.

  18. The girl I’ve dated a bit is finally back from her long trip which was driving my anxious attachment slightly insane, she had a horrendous journey back but we’ve been messaging loads today so hope we can set up another date soon when she’s got her energy back 🙂

  19. It’s been almost 2 months that I’ve been seeing the person I am dating. Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated with my kids and some friends over the weekend, and will celebrate with my parents and other nuclear family later this week.

    My guy asked what I wanted to do for my birthday and I said I really don’t need anything special, just to feel acknowledged and a little bit celebrated. He said he had two ideas, one more formal and the other more casual, and I should pick one. I opted for casual. When I met him at his house he had filled his dining room with balloons and hung a happy birthday banner, and he had a bouquet of flowers and a cake waiting. We went out for tacos and margaritas and played bar trivia. Later in the evening he said he had another gift for me but didn’t want to be presumptuous, so he was giving it to me and I didn’t have to use it with him necessarily. It was tickets to an event in December.

    This is the most “seen” I’ve ever felt on my birthday in *years.* I know it’s only been 2 months but…..

  21. It’s officially been a year since I matched with my girlfriend on Hinge!! Celebrating our one year dating anniversary this weekend with a nice dinner and then coffee the next day at the same cafe where we had our first date 🥰

    Wild how much can change in just a year. If you told me last summer that I’d have a gorgeous, brilliant, hilarious girlfriend that I’d be moving in with at the end of the year, I’d have called you crazy. Over a decade of heartbreaks, bad dates, settling, trying to change myself, giving up. And I’d do it all again, because it all led to this, to her, to us.

  22. Breeze might be the worst dating app ever. The idea seems good, fill out a profile, only get shown a limited few a day so it’s not endless options, have a deposit on a date so you’re encouraged to show up, all good. You can only chat a few hours before the date so matching is a bit more “high stakes”, ok.

    So then you would think the people would really take it more onto themselves to describe themselves and have good photos, right? Lol. Granted I only get to see 1-2 people a day but every time I’m like “yeah, I get why you’re here”.

  23. I know this is gonna get AGRESSIVELY down-voted because the internet is *feral* when it comes to AI, but this is something that helped me, so I wanna share in case it helps others.

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading and learn about what it means to be invited in, to be present, to be available without *chasing*. And because I’ve never been a particularly social creature, I asked the AI robot to consider a few factors – my age, my personality type, what I typically get up to – and pitch some scenarios in which a romantic connection *might* happen with certain personality types. Like the first steps. Because I was really struggling to visualize the cause and effect of certain behavioural changes; why go out just for the sake of it?

    I asked if to pitch it as like, a “back of the book” synopsis of a short story. And you know what? It helped a lot.

    I’ll give some examples:
    – Putting away chairs after a community event, someone notices your work and sparks conversation.
    – Writing at a cafe; someone notices your notes on the table and becomes curious.
    – Pitching an idea at a union meeting, it resonates with someone, you strike conversation.

    This is gonna sound stupid, but I didn’t quite understand, for a long time, just how much *inaction* robs us of these opportunities, no matter how unlikely. If we stay inside, if we cross our fingers and hope loves magically finds us… It won’t. I think when people say, “Get yourself out there,” or “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it,” this is exactly what they mean.

    You are living your life… But you are present. You are doing your thing, but leaving a door open. Is this a fool-proof “get love quick” scheme? Absolutely not. But it *is* buying an extra couple of LottoMax tickets, *and you can’t win if you don’t play*.

  24. Hinge has been so dead for me :/. Lots of men I already said no to or said no to me when I last used it. Otherwise, various men with incompatibilities with me or I them, and I’m not getting any likes :/. 

    I don’t know what to do. Tinder was full of bots last time I used it. Bumble banned me permanently because I’m trans and stated so on my profile. Guess it’s time to try to find money and time to be out in the community more. Ugh, if only I could win the lottery. 

  25. It really feels like I completely missed the boat on finding a partner. The apps are a dumpster fire and my only in person options are hanging out at bars, alone.

  26. I think today will be my last first date for a while. My dad is having health issues and I’m his main support system. I already had to reschedule this date so I could take him to the ER. OLD has been a nightmare recently anyway, so I think it’s all a sign to take a step back and focus on my family for a while. It feels like a particular low point to basically have already written off a person before I’ve even met him, but I’m not even going on dates with hope or excitement anymore. I just hate myself when I’m not actively putting in the effort to find a relationship, it feels like I’m wasting time.

  27. I’m dating a colleague (we are both fully remote). We have known each other for years and been friends (albeit mostly online interactions) for a while. We have had two dates, both times we stayed up until the small hours talking. The thing is he’s much better in person about sharing his feelings, and he has said he doesn’t really like having serious convos over WhatsApp or convos about feelings and he definitely shows how he feels more with actions. He did admit to feeling the same way as me the other night and that his instinct is to make a joke to downplay his feelings and protect himself.

    I’ve had the worst dating experiences this last year, so many guys doing complete 180s overnight and I’m really feeling insecure about this and trying not to let anxiety get the better of me. But on both Sunday and today I’ve gotten on at him a bit about not sharing and not knowing how he feels (despite telling me a few days ago he shares my feelings). We are meeting tomorrow again. I’m really worried I’m going to end up self sabotaging here and that my grace period is going to end soon and that the reassurance seeking will be off putting.

  28. In response to yesterday’s thread where someone mentioned that they reached out to an ex to get closure after ghosting:

    What’s the longest you’ve carried on a relationship with someone before they ghosted you? And how far along the relationship escalator were you when it happened?

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