Every day, people here are wondering why they aren’t successful in dating. When it gets down to the brass tacks of what people are actually looking for, much of it is expressed as a desire for the whole thing to feel so “natural” and “effortless” that the love just sort of moves along by itself without anyone having to work at it, or any arguments or misunderstandings, and all fun. Our lives and schedules are exactly like they were before in this fantasy, with all the freedom of singlehood, except now we have someone who will listen to us, support us, satisfy us, and make us feel important and special, all without us ever having to get up off the couch.
I think you know where I’m going with this.
Number one, relationships aren’t all fun and games, they are work. Yes, all of them, even great ones between easygoing people. And two, people always need to change at least a little, or else the person you’re dating is going to have a wretched life. That’s not always them manipulating you, and it’s not always you betraying your identity for a partner, it’s just regular life – things change. Your partner will be human, and they won’t always view the world in the same way you do. You will need to talk about that. And it’s inevitable that one day, they will be mad at you. Because frankly, you are difficult to be around sometimes. We all are. Dating you is, and must be, a sacrifice to the other person at times because you come with plenty of faults. You must be willing to acknowledge them, apologize, thank the other person for putting up with you, and do your best to change for the better, because you care more about them than you do about your own emotional leisure.
For these arguments, you will need to have good conversation skills. You will have to keep your cool, drop the defensiveness, and try to see their point without yelling or talking over them. You cannot just sit there in silence. This is not optional: Learn to speak well, and always argue like an adult – don’t just say you’re “bad at talking” – you must learn to do it, if you want to date. And FWIW, you’re both going to be tired after work, but someone is still going to have to cook or otherwise procure food, empty the dishwasher, wipe off the counters and clean the dead bugs out of the light fixtures. Drag yourself out of your comfy chair, and go those things.
I don’t want to discount the fun of good relationships, because they are really fun sometimes. I do however think it helps to focus away from that sometimes, especially early on, because when we only think of our idealized fantasies about romantic relationships, we sometimes wind up in a situation where the practical upshot as your date hears it is: I expect any required work to be done by you, because I don’t feel like putting in any effort. And that very scripted set of things you’ve got in mind that you already feel like giving? Like, staying in shape, having a job that earns a certain amount of money, always dressing in beautiful clothing, or regularly penciling them into that Thursday afternoon spot you squeeze in between work and evening raquetball? Well, the other person may very well want something from you that’s not on that list. Because let’s be honest – those things were always more for you than they were for them. You will need to be more flexible than you think.
This inability, or unwillingness, to do unpleasant work and to change, is most likely at the root of your singlehood. It’s not all your height or your weight or your mental health issues or your lack of a 6-figure salary. These can be issues, but there are so many people in the world without perfect minds, bodies, or bank accounts who have a partner and a loving, fulfilling relationship. Why? They were open to work. Lose the rigidity, and accept your flaws without falling into a pit of self-pitying despair where nothing you ever do is ever good enough so you may as well not even try. The way to get into a great relationship is to exhibit very early on that you’re a person who can do work you don’t always want to do, and that you’re someone unencumbered by the fantasy of the “effortless” relationship. Show that off, and guaranteed, someone will be interested.