tl;dr
i’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, but i have major trust issues because he has repeatedly flirted, sexted, and even planned hookups with other girls behind my back. each time, he brushed it off as “jokes” or “trolling,” and i still gave him more chances. he won’t let me see his phone, and when i checked his email, i found accounts following explicit content. he denies creating them and blames hacking or his students, which i find hard to believe. i also feel insecure because he likes revealing posts online but criticizes me when i dress that way. i want to trust him, but i don’t know if i should keep trying or if i’m just blindly ignoring red flags.
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hi everyone! im writing this as im in a little bit of a dilemma. for context, my boyfriend and i will be reaching our second year milestone on the fifteenth of january. our relationship has been pretty stable as of now, but there are still doubtful and worrisome thoughts which run through my mind from time to time.
firstly, as much as i love my boyfriend, i have insane trust issues with him. although loving, my boyfriend has done certain things behind my back, which caused me to constantly be doubtful of him. the first time i found out was last year, when the girl he was talking to texted me on instagram a hey girly message 🙁 those texts went along the lines of 'ill just break up with her (me) and get together with you' or if we were arguing over something, he would go to her and rant about it, and then again, saying somewhat of the above. he constantly mentioned in the texts which were shown to me by the girl, that he felt that we weren't compatible and he was waiting for me to break up with him. the texts contained a lot of sexual messages as well, no nudes exchanged though, just talking about how he would wanna cum on her and other stuff like that. after finding out, we took a one month break, and i decided to give him another chance. however, earlier this year, i opened his telegram and saw that he was messaging another girl. i memorised her name, found her instagram and asked her if she knew him. she said she did and i asked her what had been going on between the both of them, and she showed me the screenshots. in the screenshots, my boyfriend was asking her for nudes and had even set a date for a hookup. i confronted him about it … and all he said was, it was just a joke and he was trolling??? which was the same response he had to the previous girl. anddddd, i decided to give him another chance.
as much as i would loveeee to fully trust him with my entire being, he refuses to show me his phone and always snatches it away when im just holding it. he always uses the reason that his privacy is extremely important to him, and he doesn't like people going through his shit. however, i feel as though i deserve at least once to go through everything, especially after whatever he has hid from me and whatever i have found out.
now onto the thought which really compelled me to write this today was, i had went through his email on his ipad while he was sleeping, and found accounts made on twitter, instagram and reddit using his email. nothing wrong, right? except, all these accounts were either following women who posted explicit content, or for the reddit account, joining explicit communities. however, he mentioned that he did not make those accounts, as his discord was hacked awhile ago and maybe the hacker could have gotten access, then creating those accounts. he also claimed that maybe his students had created those accounts, as he uses his ipad to teach but leaves the device with his students when he goes to the bathroom or for a smoke break. both reasons, i find it hard to believe.
at times, i feel as though im not enough for him. i try to dress like the posts of women that he likes on instagram or tiktok (he claims he accidentally likes them), revealing and sexy, but he scolds me when i do, mentioning i should cover up.
now that i'm done writing, i honestly have no idea what is the point of this. i guess i would like to have an outsider point of view on this situation? my boyfriend has mentioned that he has completely stopped doing such, and i really want to trust him, but of course, i do have my doubts. should i just try my best to forget, and completely, blindly trust him again?