Hi, I’m a 29M and I’ve been having a lot of doubts about the future of my relationship with my girlfriend (25F). She is very insecure and seems unable to accept my past, even though I keep reassuring her and trying to make her feel that she’s the person I want to build my life with.
Sometimes she likes to have “deep” conversations so we can get to know each other better (even though we’ve been together for 2 years now). I’m totally open to that and I like that we can share things with each other. The problem is, every time it ends up being the same pattern: she asks me questions about my past relationships, and it feels like none of my answers are ever enough. It’s as if she wishes I had never been with anyone before her. (For context, I’ve had sex with 6 people before her and have been in 2 serious relationships).
She often gets angry and tells me I’m not being sincere when I mention something new that she thinks I “hid” from her (like, for example, telling her I talked to a girl 2 years before we even met). To me, these things feel so trivial that I never thought to mention them. If I was really hiding something, I wouldn’t bring it up later. I’m genuinely open about my past and I have no shame in sharing it with her, but of course it’s possible that some details from my 27 years before meeting her don’t come up right away. That doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything.
Every time, she gets upset and compares herself to the other women. She even questions my sincerity when I tell her something she claims I “should have told her before.” I’m completely open to sharing details when she asks, but I won’t bring them up randomly. I find that disrespectful to my present life and relationship, which is what I’m focused on.
Another issue is that she sometimes asks me if I want kids. My answer has always been yes. I feel a strong desire to have a paternal role in my life. Then she follows up with: “But do you really want kids with me?” To which I always say yes. After that, she asks: “If we ever broke up, would you still want to have kids?” And at that point I feel a bit uncomfortable. I usually respond that I don’t imagine that scenario, but if it ever happened, yes, I’d still want children, whether that’s in another relationship or even as a single parent through adoption.
That really upsets her, because she says it makes her feel like she’s not the person I want to have kids with.
How can I reassure her and make her believe me when I say that I don’t think about my past relationships, and that I see my future life with her?