I (29f) have trouble understanding the last guy (34m) I dated. We went on 6 dates before he asked me if I like makeup that much. I thought it was a genuine question so I excitedly told him I quite like makeup. For me who likes drawing, makeup is really like drawing/painting on a canvas. However due to my quite sensitive skin (I have mild mast cells activation syndrome), I do have to use more high-end makeup and skincare products which is quite pricey. As a result, I don't really go crazy with my makeup often and opt for natural look when I go out usually. He then smiled and said he never understood why women like me would spend money on such superficial things when I don't need it. I was irked, that backhanded compliment was strike 1.

Then came the time I told him I had to cancel our date due to major cramp from my period. At first he was really sweet about it and asked if I needed anything. I told him I was okay and just had to be a bed bug for the whole day. He then asked if I needed tampon he could go buy some for me. I told him I don't use tampon, I use pads, because I don't like having the feeling of tampon inside me the whole time. Tell me why this man had the audacity to tell me, "you should really change to tampon. It's much more sanitary and more convenient." Excuse me but does he have va***na? Did he experience this so called "convenience" in his own cooch? That's strike 2.

On our last date, I went with my natural hair, which is wavy (2a-2b). The thing about frizzy wavy hair, they're a lot of work. I work at home 24/7 (designer and tailor), by myself, only see clients for fitting sessions. Usually, after washing, I'd air dry to half dry and put em up with claw clip. This method prevents my hair from poofing up and frizz when completely dry. If I need to go out, I'd wash the night before, and put em in those heatless curl cushions and sleep with it. They give my hair nice blowout but the downside, my neck hurts in the morning lol. I rarely style my waves with curl gel and mousse and oil and diffuse to dry because seriously, who got time for that everyday? But I felt like doing it for this date. It was a nice weather out and I thought I'd look good having my hair in its natural waves. I spent the whole morning, washing, gel-ing, mousse-ing, plopping, diffusing, oiling, before the afternoon date. During the date he was surprised to see my hair and asked if I permed it, I said no, it's my natural hair, just styled. His next reply was literally, "oh that's a shame, I really like your straight hair. They suit your east asian face more, brings more harmony. Maybe you should get it permanently straightened?" Y'all I can't believe this kind of person truly exist 😭. I told him we didn't seem to be a good match and that we should stop seeing each other. He was confused and asked why I thought so. I didn't bother explaining and wished him a good day, and left to buy ice cream on my way home.

Am I crazy? Am I the one who's too cynical about his critics? Maybe he was just trying to make a joke and I took it as attack? Why would he wanna continue dating when he already doesn't like my look and my choices? It's not like I only have pictures of my straight hair on my profile, I had photos of me in my natural wave too. If he goes to my socials he could also see clearly I have photos of me in wavy hair 😭. Idk anymore.


28 comments

  1. You did the right thing. He didn’t actually like you, he liked what he thought he could turn you into for him. Dictating what you should wear on your period with falsified information is wild. If he’s willing to put you down in the early stages about you just being you, eventually he’ll do it so much that you don’t feel comfortable being yourself at all anymore, and that’s no way to live.

  2. Guy here – the first strike was a major stretch to me, but the next two were certainly reasonable things to have taken as unacceptable.

    Commenting on how you should deal with a period is asinine. It’s a clear place no man outside of a professional medical setting should be advising on.

    Trying to tell you how you should do your hair and what “suits you better” is controlling behavior. It gives me the impression he wanted to treat you a tiny bit like his own dress up doll, and not as a human being.

    Think you made the right call tbh.

  3. O god. The first paragraph together with the title I was like: “Ok, well maybe he is just figuring out if the make-up is a non-negotiable thing for him”. Then the second part came I was like, do your homework. tampons are not necessarily sanitary and isn’t it more important for you to be comfortable? He probably just like the idea of pads, well too bad, it’s our burden and we decide how to deal with it. And then the last paragraph… A bit off topic: but I’m in the same boat you are. Same hair. I also use satin pillow things, that helps a lot. Might be better for your neck as well. I don’t have time for the whole styling routine. On topic: bruh. You only wore your hair like that one date out of six. He gotta chill. If you like your hair styled, he should let you. He should have went with: “I like it, but I like your straight hair more”. He sounds a but awkward on those topics idk

  5. I would’ve point blanked asked him what he liked about me. Like sir why are we dating if you’re going to dislike everything about me?? Those were truly awful things to say. And I’m a huge skincare girlie myself so yeah that man was just insecure and trying to make you just as insecure as him.

  6. You did the right thing and handled it maturely. People like him end up being narcissistic. Good thing you saw the red flags and made a decision instead of seeing ‘where it goes’

  7. You’re not crazy at all. He wasn’t joking, he was criticizing and trying to mold you into what he wanted. You deserve someone who appreciates you exactly as you are, makeup, hair, and all.

  8. Id date you. It sound like your really prioritize self care. There’s someone better out there for you.

  10. This came off so egregiously controlling on his end and it was so confounding until you mentioned you’re East Asian. There’s that whole deeply racist stereotype that East Asian women are submissive which some men do actually like (not saying you are).

    It’s one thing for someone to offer an opinion, but to insist on it (you _should_ use a tampon, you _should_ straighten your hair) is a control thing for sure.

    So to me it just seems like he likes you, but the you that fits his idea of someone who can be what _he_ wants them to be not who they actually are.

  11. At the end of the day he repeatedly pissed you off with his dumb comments. That will always be valid, and these little red flags will turn into flaming big ones. So yes, you need to dump him if he is making you feel this way from day 1 it’s a wrap. Regardless of if there are people out there who would not feel the same way about it. It doesn’t matter, because you do. And very validly btw I would have grabbed a cab at the first red flag. Women are often expected to explain away their instincts and feelings, well don’t because it never works in your favour. Your husband would never do this, he needs to take a hike.

  12. Why did he give me the impression that you were somehow a doll, made to please his wants/likes??

    Like, sorry sir, did she *ask?* Is she here to specifically adhere to what you enjoy?
    If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.

    Did he even compliment your hair when it was styled straight, or did he only open his mouth to complain?

  15. I agree with the others. He’s probably a weird dude and I’m not sure why he was dating you.
    On the other hand, perhaps he’s autistic? Some high functioning autistic people make those sorts of remarks. But even then, I don’t think you two were a good match.

  16. His questions were a strange choice. If he didn’t care about superficial things like makeup, then why did he keep pressing on your hair style?

    I would have never commented on anything beyond “hey, you look nice today.” Maybe down the line you can ask those questions, but definitely not in the first few dates.

  18. He’s planting seeds of control. It’ll only get worse if you stay. I know from experience. Once you’ve dated, or my case, married one, you can spot the pattern, it’s obnoxiously consistent.

  20. Who knows why other people do what they do? We can waste the end of our days thinking about it. Or just not.

    I would have reacted just as you did. I have had men ask me if I prefer beard or no beard and things like that. That is when you are invited to give your opinion. Otherwise you respect the person as is infront of you and either like it or not.

    Imagine him giving you unsolicited bad advice and opinions on your health and looks for the rest of your life! – barf-

  21. There is a piece of reasoning missing In men (or anyone) who do this. What piece would this be that is missing? It is the piece that contains the “think about how the other person might feel” piece.

    When that is missing, it is a brain dis function, imo, and it doesn’t work out well in future interactions, especially with me.

  22. His presentation skills leave much to be desired. That said I’m not a fan of makeup either. But I would draw the line and just eject him for unsportsmanlike conduct with the comment about your preference tampons versus pads. That would be it. Gone!

  24. He was negging you in order to control and manipulate you. You did the right thing and got out of there. The longer you stay with someone like that, the harder it is to leave.

  25. I hate makeup. The way you describe why you like it made me think “can you put some on me”. He sounds like an asshole you shouldn’t waste any more time on.

  26. Feels like he wants a human doll. Absolute weirdo behavior that I’m sure is just the beginning.

    You don’t owe him an explanation and if you did try to talk to him about it he would somehow turn it around because people like that only use words for manipulation and control.

  27. There are a lot of great men out there, but there are also a lot of men who do not like women other than as arm candy or sexual objects. It sounds like you unfortunately found one of the latter.

  28. Nah you’re not crazy lol. Dude just negged you the whole time then acted confused when you bounced. Sounds like he wanted a build-a-girlfriend project instead of an actual partner. Good call grabbing ice cream instead of wasting more energy on him 🍩

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