I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years and I think I’ve pieced together what has been a concerning pattern. One keeping me from saying let’s cohabitate.
I’m divorced with a 9 yo and she with a 6 yo. Stuff comes up and we have to work through it. The last time I brought up something she did that hurt my feelings/bothered me, the day leading up to the conversation I noticed my nervous system in overdrive in anticipation. It was my body’s response to anticipating her reaction.
I have noticed a pattern of what happens when I bring up something that bothered me in our relationship. I nearly always leave the conversation confused because she reacted defensively and didn’t take accountability. Like what just happened? Why do I feel bad? Why am I apologizing? Why do I feel guilty?
Then I pieced together her typical responses and explanations of why she reacted poorly. Your timing was bad. Your tone was bad. Your word choice was bad. Your approach was bad. I felt really hurt(by me explaining my hurt feelings). I guess I’m just a fuck up. You expect perfection. I guess I can’t get anything right.
So, over time I’ve attempted to adjust everything that was wrong. I made every attempt to jump through the hoops to make myself smaller so I’d maybe get some accountability. Same result.
I’ve figured out my nervous system knows it’s not safe to share my feelings here for the above reasons. I genuinely feel like my feelings are too much for her.
Any advice on what’s going on here and how to stop this cycle?