Hi! Burner account here. I'm going through a very difficult time with my boyfriend of two years, I keep running into the same problems and bringing them up, but nothing is resolved. I'm nervous that there's something deeper going on. I don't think any of this is normal, I'm contemplating on trying to find help for him.
Context: He's amazing and I love him so much, he's incredibly attentive to me, rushes to help me with anything, drops what he's doing to accompany me, buys anything I look at for too long in the store, and just overall does anything and everything to make me happy. But I've noticed patterns over the two years that we're together.
- He's insanely forgetful.. My memory is quite sharp measured next to the average person, but I've never met someone that forgets as easily as he does.
- He's lived in the same area for the past 10+ years but still relies on me to get from place to place and cannot navigate anywhere without a GPS. We've gotten lost, been incredibly late to events because he has no idea where he was going, regardless of my directions. He'll literally take me to a new city because he couldn't merge onto the exit and blaming me for 'giving him bad directions'. I understand that I should just drive instead, but I have him drive my car to build life skills. I've been stuck with a shitty car and a dead phone with no GPS and had to navigate home hours away. I'm terrified with the fact that he got us lost when I was taking him HOME from my city (15 minutes away, an area he's travelled to- multiple times). I literally just told him to give me directions to his house..
- Recently, I simply tell him to repeat what I say, word for word. I don't make it longer than 5 words. He struggles immensely.
- He never loses anything, he's VERY cautious and detailed, but just cannot remember anything else.
- If I ask him about an event, it will be incredibly different each time. His own stories don't line up
- There's several more, but you won't hear the end if I continue. He'll say he was just joking, that he remembered only after I tell him. I've purposely told him wrong information to see if he'd correct me. He didn't.
- Cannot come up with plans or make basic decisions
- I've worked 3 jobs while attending school pregnant and still making time for him, precisely scheduling and taking time and energy from myself for him. Making plans, setting times, and actually executing. He cannot make a simple plan, nor a decision for a place to eat. I've asked him nicely to make a plan for just the evening, he simply said, "well, what do you want to do?". Call me crazy, but that's not a fucking plan. I've sat him down, told him step-by-step what a plan means. He just says, 'I plan as I go,' ….. No thoughts made, whatsoever. It's just frustrating because I schedule my week in the beginning of the week, I ask him if we can set a time to see each other so I can plan ahead, he replies he doesn't know what's going on, while also saying his days are on repeat: school, work, chores. I've planned majority of our times together, made money trackers so we don't overspend, and a joint checking's so nobody is paying more than the other, I just wanted a break from planning. But, if I don't do it, nothing happens. He did this on our second anniversary btw. Defaulting to, 'I'm just a boring person'
- For context, he was going to school part time and working one job while doing chores at home. His entire life is 3 friends and a video game addiction. He often says that it's not that easy being the oldest son. Like okay I get it, but if he's made it this far doing the exact same thing he'd done for years, wouldn't he have gotten good at it to plan around it?? He doesn't play anymore because he spends that time with me, but his social skills… oh boy.
- Overall intellect (I don't know what to call it)
- He's studying one of the hardest majors out there, but still misspells and mispronounces words that are really hard to mess up. He's not a native English speaker, but learned at a very young age. I have several friends that came to the country later than him that are much more proficient at spelling, speaking, and critical thinking. I get secondhand embarrassment from going to networking events and he has an odd and awkward physical stance, speaking proudly, but sounding very dim. Nobody is taking him seriously.
- We've worked in the same field, he has more experience, but I've gotten promoted much faster, higher raises, and overall respect from the team. He's done the bare minimum, believing he's unjustly underpaid, and only doing what he's told but expecting higher pay. He said that my promotion was purely because I'm more social. Completely disregarding my hard work and strong leadership before being promoted. He's bragged to our bosses, I put my head down and worked.
- Questionable Judgement
- This one really hurts me personally. I've brought up some "political" things that mean a lot to me. Recently, he's said that racism doesn't affect Black and Brown people today. (I'm brown, he's half white, and I've told him the racism I've experienced) I've explained that it's not as bad, yes, but pulled up actual statistics, facts, and data from credible sources that our systems are very much shaped by racism from the past. He admitted that he didn't know and doesn't research this "black stuff" because it doesn't affect him.. Okay so after I picked up my shattered heart, I simply said regardless, even if you believe what you currently do, you should base it in facts, not just what your surroundings and your very targeted YouTube shorts tell you. This is how people get brainwashed. The next day he says, 'just want to open your mind, I don't want to fight.' and says that Lil Wayne was attacked by Black people and no one helped him but a white cop……….. so he heard nothing ok.
- I asked why he didn't introduce me to his colleagues, I've introduced him to all of mine, he says that they're all political and saying I'm too sensitive to handle what they have to say. I sat in a room with all of them multiple times, if I had a problem, it would've come up already, not only that, if he knew I wouldn't be comfortable, why would he bring me there… I just thought it's basic decency to do this, apparently not?? He said that he does so much that he introduced me to his friends mom and said, 'You know how rare that is???'. It's not actually.. Especially since we were in his home….
- Yes, I speak passionately because this is something that I care about, and yes I get frustrated because his responses are as deep as a plastic water bottle cap. But suddenly when I use credible research to support my stances he says I follow what everyone does…. while he… accepts whatever a 7 second YouTube short said.. He's said more uninformed, bigoted things but I'm not willing to continue.
- Chronically Late
- He doesn't drive, I pick him up and I'm always waiting outside for 10+ minutes. He's routinely late for work, school, any event.
- He's given me vague "I'll you know when I'm free" so I wait. The longest was 7 hours. I've never had someone do that before. His excuse was, 'I didn't force you to wait, you could've done other things.' We routinely see each other that day. He told me nothing but 'I'll let you know' and by time he did, it was 11pm and expected that I'd still be available… I told him that he needs to give me a good time estimate because I postponed my things to see him and he just essentially said 'I didn't stop you'. I literally had to use ChatGPT to explain why what he did and said was bullshit. To eliminate bias, he put in his perspective on a separate account, it still confirmed my point. Now he says its his 'boundary' that I don't use AI to communicate? But doesn't listen when I… communicate…?
- I've made it clear, told him plans ahead of time, specific time frames, gave time warnings, but he's still late. And gets mad at me for being upset with him. He says this isn't something he can control, but this happens routinely. I physically have to get him to move, get ready, etc. He moves incredibly slow with no urgency, it drives me insane.
- His 'I'm almost done/ready' actually means '3 more hours'
- I've planned around it adjusting to his bad timing, but it's rough
- I bring this up with him and met with, 'I can't control it,' 'I'm so busy,' 'You can't let time govern you like this,' 'I'm trying, but you don't see that.'
I feel like I'm at my wits end, but I think there might be something up there that should be checked..
TL;DR: My boyfriend (21M) of two years is extremely forgetful, struggles with basic planning, can’t navigate without GPS despite living in the same place for 10+ years, and often misuses words or tells inconsistent stories. He avoids making any plans/decisions, is chronically late, dismisses my passion and research as “too emotional,” and relies on surface-level social media takes for opinions. I’m starting to wonder if these are signs of something else or if he’s just unwilling to grow. I love him, but I feel disrespected, drained, and like I’m talking to a wall. How do I compassionately approach this, and is it fair to expect more?