I want to preface by saying I know “situationships” are stupid, so please be easy on me with this. I started seeing this guy about a year and a half ago, I had gotten out of a two year relationship only 5 months prior so I did not mind taking it slow/being casual.
We got on like a house on fire and I always told myself even if it doesn’t work out we would still make amazing friends. This year we have damn near spent everyday together it was almost like we lived together, that’s how often I am at his place. His friends and my friends know we’re a thing, even certain family members. He’s taken me to meet his older sister before, and his cousins and he has met my brother and cousins as well. When I went to Europe for a full month and was moving around country to country, we still talked every single day I was gone. He told me much earlier on that he was in love with me, and I didn’t tell him I loved him until very recently because I wanted to make sure I meant it.
On the aspect of boundaries, we both expressed to each other we weren’t really sure if a relationship was what we wanted right now. But I always told him I would not like it if he was flirting with or seeing other girls. He said that he wouldn’t, and he never explicitly told me the same but I never did simply because that’s how much I liked him and I didn’t even care to entertain anyone else.
This weekend while we were out, I got a gut feeling to go through his phone when he handed it to me to add music to the queue. I didn’t have much time to scan, but I saw that he was texting multiple girls and DMing girls on Instagram too calling them “fine” and “beautiful”. One of them being a girl I’m FRIENDS with that he knows as well. There was one text thread in particular I did not have enough time to go through, and it is eating me alive.
I tried to keep it to myself but he knew something was wrong and eventually I broke down and told him. He apologized profusely and told me that he really did love me and didn’t want to lose me, and said that he was texting all of those girls out of insecurity that I may be doing the same. And that he never met up and was physical with anyone else. I told him I didn’t believe him and asked to see the specific text thread of one girl and he refused and I kept pushing then he told me he deleted it because it doesn’t matter and it’s only going to cause more problems. I told him if it’s only flirting in there just let me see to put my mind at rest because otherwise I can’t move on from this, and he still is saying he deleted it.
I told him that I needed space to process this and I left and came back home. He called to make sure I got home safely, then said he loves me and he understands me wanting space and that he hopes I understand him texting other girls meant nothing to him and he would have never let it go further than that.
I hate that I even fell into this whole situationship trap, I wasn’t ready for a real commitment after my last relationship but I might as well have been in one because he was all I was focused on and I didn’t realize until this situation how much I fell for him because the hurt from this is insurmountable. I genuinely feel so blindsided and feel like I’ve been cheated on. It’s hard to know if this is something I can work through since we were technically not official. I just don’t really know what I should do. I know we never had a recent conversation about changing the dynamic of our relationship, but is this something that even makes sense to forgive?
TLDR: I (25F) have been in a year and a half long situationship with a guy (25M). We discussed we weren’t ready for a relationship but I told him I wanted boundaries, found out he was texting other girls behind my back. Don’t know if I should just leave because we never had a new conversation about taking our relationship to the next level.