40M 35F – Decent sex life pre kids and now have a baby and toddler. Husband has initiated sex maybe 5 times in the last year yet constantly (multiple times a week) is masturbating in the other room once he thinks I'm asleep. I had 2 babies in 20 months and my body isn't the same anymore but this makes me feel disgusted with myself. I don't initiate with him because I hate the way I look and I've seen the girls he is looking up who are tiny blondes and look nothing like me. He doesn't initiate because I'm assuming he's not attracted to me anymore. How do I discuss this? I feel embarrassed and vulnerable. I also don't want him knowing I've searched his phone so I feel even more embarrassed.
I just feel like he settled for me and he's too chicken to be honest about it. Send advice please